In the end, the pull to write again is strong and I know there isn't too much out there about the "life after" because I've looked for it. When I was pregnant with Davey (and experiencing quite a bit of depression), I was looking for what it might be like after he were born. How did other women feel? Would I have trouble connecting with my baby? How would I feel about future pregnancies? How should I respond to certain questions? Of course, these experiences are felt differently by each woman, but I wanted a little heads up on how it might be. And now that I'm in this place and I have all these feelings, it would be nice to know that not every woman in my situation, but some, at least one, feels similarly to me. I'm not crazy, I'm not alone.
So here I am, sharing what it's like so that other women might not feel so alone. (And I might not either. I'm definitely hoping for some "Me too!" in the comments.) Life after a pregnancy after loss in not the same as "life with a new baby". I still remember my miscarriages. I still think about them. I still grieve them. But having a living child after them has changed things, healed in some ways, but in other ways made it all a bit sadder, those children more missed. And having had previous losses changes the way I feel about and parent my new baby. I'm a bit more thankful, more in awe of each milestone, understanding just how fragile and miraculous life is.
More on all that in later posts. As you can imagine, I've had many post topics brewing these past nine months. But for now, this seems like enough.
 |
| Lucia's first day of preschool a few weeks back. |
In my case, I had nothing I would consider depression, but I was NOT bonded to my baby during pregnancy or for months after. I did everything needed to care for him exactly as needed and he was never in danger of neglect, but I think I treated him more like a baby at work that I was caring for diligently than my own son. There was such a disconnect from the emotional side of things. Which is why I was literally surprised when a baby was thrown on my chest after pushing him out because I somehow was not connecting my labor and pushing with an actual baby soon being present in the room.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you blogging again! I would love to hear about your experience. Even though all seems well with this pregnancy, I too have really struggled with it coming after a loss. Counting down the days till I can hold this little one, and thinking often of my lo in Heaven.
ReplyDeleteHugs, mama! I too have had many miscarriages and pregnancies and living children. So glad you are writing again.
ReplyDeleteYes. Me, too. I'm so much more in awe of this baby; but it makes me wonder all the more about the precious one I lost.
ReplyDelete