Monday, April 13, 2015

Someone is Missing

There's something different about this pregnancy. (Other than the fact that I've made it past 10 weeks.) We're coming up on the first anniversary of our first miscarried child's due date (the time in which our little one would have been celebrating his or her first birthday). Which means that it's perfectly possible that I could be pregnant with this baby right now even had that baby lived. He/she would have been nine months when we conceived this time, 18 months when this baby is due, and that's well within the time frame of "possible". We could be expecting our third living child right now instead of our second. And there is something about that realization that is just crushing.

With each of our last three pregnancies, there was always that bittersweet knowledge that all our babies had to die for the newest baby to live. But now that we've gotten to a point where our current child could coexist with one of the babies we lost, there is a whole new pain involved. I guess there was a part of me that accepted the losses easier knowing that because they happened, they allowed us the gift of another child. Every time I'm confronted with a new pregnancy, there has been a kind of choice - I could have had one of the children we lost or we could have our current child, but we could only ever have one. But losing our second child didn't really make this child possible - for the first time, there is a scenario in which not only one was possible, but two. I know I should be grateful for all the children in between, because even if they are not here with us, they are eternal souls. But I'm not really there yet.  All I can think is that our second child could be here and this one inside of me could both be here and for once, there wouldn't be a need to choose.

I thought I had accepted and made peace with our losses, at least the first few, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'll never really find peace with them. I guess what peace I did find was conditional, a peace based on the idea that our baby died so others can live and when that reality didn't material, the peace it supported shattered. Why did our second child have to die? What good has come from it? Why can't he/she be here now, rejoicing with the rest of our family at the new pregnancy and new sibling? (As much as a 10 month old can rejoice at those things, right?) Today, I'm feeling like someone is missing more than ever.


  1. I know that feeling too. My first and second would be 26 months apart, but I only have the second here with me :-( we actually have friends with a daughter born 2 days before our miscarried baby was due, and a son a week younger than Maria. While she is such a blessing, sometimes it makes me sad that she is not playing with her older sibling.

  2. {Hugs}

    I understand this conundrum. Grief is a bitter, bitter thing, but if nothing else, it shows us the depth of our own capacity to love. Know of my continued prayers for you and your entire family, Mandi.

    I truly do hold you close in prayer every day. <3

  3. I totally hear first would have been 2.5 when my second was born (or 2 if you go by his due date). Which is probably why it's so easy for me to picture our family with him included, even 5 years later. Those thoughts and feelings probably will never go away, but they do fade and aren't as painful (with the occasional cryfest that comes out of nowhere, it seems).

    Just said a prayer for you! Will keep praying for a smooth and anxiety-free pregnancy.

  4. Praying for you as you approach this time. It it's so hard to process when you can't make meaning out of it or figure out God's "reasoning" through the hurt. I have to think He is aching and grieving with you though...and listening intently to all the prayers your children are offering on your behalf. Sending hugs and continued prayers for this child within you.

  5. Prayers for you as you approach another date that can be so difficult to bare. I recently experienced my first loss in February. I have not conceived yet so I don't know how my feelings will change if/when I do. But I think it would give me comfort to think that a new pregnancy, even if it's a year from now, will be of a different child who could not have come into the world as he is if not for the miscarriage. It's certainly possible that you could be pregnant again at this time had your older child lived, but it would not have been this baby. My DNA and my husbands could have come together to form a different baby, but not this one. I will never fully understand why this happened to me and another baby cannot take away the pain or explain the reason for it, but I do think that it could still be a good that came from it.