Friday, March 13, 2015

I'm a wreck.

I really, really want to be able to write an inspiring post about how to remain calm or have hope or whatever during a pregnancy after loss. But instead, I'm in what is probably one of the deepest, darkest places I've ever been. I've been bleeding off and on all week, mostly pretty light but it picks up as my activity picks up. I'm a terrible, horrible wreck about it all in a way I thought I would never be. I am currently laying in bed in some of the most wretched pain I've ever been in, completely caused by stress. I've always felt pain in my neck and shoulders when stressed but never like this. The throbbing is overwhelming, to the point where I can't move or function, and it's making me incredibly nauseous.

I don't really know what to do about it. Usually the best way I manage stress is by exercising but any time I've managed even the most light of exercise, the bleeding has increased and I imagine that's not a good thing.  My next ultrasound is a week away and I just don't know how I'll survive until then. The stress and fear is making me physically so sick and unable to function. I can't take care of myself and I can't take care of Lucia. I'm losing weight and can't sleep.  The anxiety is eating away at me.

This isn't like me at all - I've never been a worrier in the least but I've noticed becoming increasingly paranoid as the miscarriage count has increased and I wonder if I miscarry if we're just done. I am not sure if I could do this to myself or my family again. I've always said we won't avoid pregnancy as long as I'm physically and mentally healthy enough to undergo another pregnancy and miscarriage, and I think this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back (or the miscarriage that breaks my mental sanity, as it were). We are also woefully without a support system of people here who will help watch Lucia, bring us meals, or even friends and family (near or far) that will call me regularly to check on me. It's getting to be way too much to bear on our own. The financial strain ($500/month for injection not covered by instance that I'm not wholly convinced do a darn thing) is also getting to be too much. And for the first time in my miscarriage journey, I feel angry at God  - for not only allowing me to be in this position but for not providing me with any comfort.

I've read about some studies that say that "tender loving care" has as much of a positive outcome for women who've had multiple miscarriages as any medical treatments. Providing support and keeping the mother calm and positive about the pregnancy gave her much better odds of carrying to term. Well, if my baby had a good chance before I started bleeding, he/she probably has none now.

I feel incredibly hopeless and helpless and physically miserably right now. And there isn't a thing in this world that can help. If we see an empty sac again on Friday, I know I'll be fine. I can handle another miscarriage. I think I could have handled the time so far had I not started bleeding. But now that I've had problems with this pregnancy and a bunch of miscarriages behind me, I just don't know how I could handle another 7-8 months of pregnancy. How can my family survive that long without me being functional for them? I just don't even want to think about it. 


  1. Oh gosh Mandi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I will be praying for you. Pregnancy after (one!) miscarriage was so hard for me- I know it was hard on my husband and coworkers and the weeks between my 7 and 10 week ultrasound were the longest 3 weeks of my life. I'll be praying for your baby but especially for you, your sanity, and your husband and Lucia.

  2. My prayers are with you, Mandi. I am walking in your shoes, too.

  3. :( Will offer more prayers for you, Mandi! Romans 8:28

  4. Mandi / this breaks my heart! I can't claim to have any understanding of what you're going through, but if you would like, I am happy to call you every week just to talk. I know we don't know each other well, so if that is awkward I understand. If you'd like to talk, just email me and I'll send you my number. I hate thinking about how alone you feel. I'm so so sorry for all you are going through. Saying extra prayers for you and the baby tonight.

  5. You're in my prayers constantly. I went to the hospital yesterday morning with bleeding at 23 weeks from a placenta previa and have just been put on bed rest for the duration of our pregnancy--I'm going to try in a special way to offer up my extra sufferings as I adjust for you today. I know it's not much, but I pray it'll bring you consolations somehow.