Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Surprised by Peace

I haven't found myself with lots of time to sit and contemplate this pregnancy, but when I have, the word that just seems to encompass it all is peace. That's not to say that this pregnancy has been easy. It's been delightfully without complications, but the first trimester was marked by the worst morning sickness and exhaustion I've experienced and the second trimester has so far been riddled with illness including a horrible bout of the flu. Overall, nothing to truly complain about though in those moments it all seemed dramatically unbearable. Through it all though, there was the underlying peacefulness.

I thought that after my miscarriages, pregnancy would never be joyful again. And so I've been completely blindsided by the joy that has come this time around. I no longer have the same naivety I did during my first pregnancy. I'm much more aware of all the things that can and might go wrong. I don't take for granted that a positive pregnancy test means a living baby nine months down the road. But unlike my last pregnancy, I don't expect something bad to happen. I'm aware it could happen, but I have hope. I cannot begin to describe just how surprising these feelings are: peace, joy, hope.

There is something incredibly redemptive and healing about this pregnancy. The way it has blessed me is truly humbling. I am so undeserving. I know all too well that many women never get to have an experience like this after infertility or loss. Many never get their living child, yet here I am with my daughter, my beautiful toddler son born after loss, and now this new little one to love and cherish. Nothing I've ever done or could ever do would make me deserving of these blessings.

I came up with the term "golden baby" to describe the baby AFTER a rainbow baby in kind of an offhand way. The rainbow comes after the storm. Well, what comes after the rainbow? Oh, a pot of gold. Golden baby. Ok, that sounds nice. I just wanted a term for it because this pregnancy felt special - not like a pregnancy before loss, but also not like a pregnancy right after loss. But the more I think about it, the term just seems right. This baby is someone special, someone set apart. A child who has healed my heart and soul in amazing ways. A child who was never expected and who has crept into our family as a little someone extra, a little added blessing who will bring with him/her beauty and joy I can't even begin to imagine. My little golden baby. My baby.

How could I not already feel ABUNDANTLY blessed with these two?

18 weeks. And suddenly, I can't hide this little blessing from the world anymore.
(But I'm still wearing my regular pants - can't quite figure out quite how that's possible though!)


  1. This is where I'm at this pregnancy too, aware that everything could go wrong, but remarkably peaceful and hopeful and joyful. This is my first (hopefully!) living baby, but God did a lot of work on me before this pregnancy to bring me to a place of peace. And this baby was conceived more than a year after our most recent loss - the waiting nearly killed me at the time, but perhaps having some distance has been helpful. And medical answers/treatment help too. Really this peace is just a tremendous gift from God though, and I am so, so thankful for it.

  2. This is exactly how I felt this last time around with Aaron (technically Chase was my "golden" baby but his pregnancy was so crazy and emotional). On the one hand, I'm like okay, maybe I could do this pregnancy again after all. Then I'm like, wait, what am I thinking? 1) Pregnancy is so hard; 2) there's no guarantee it will be that "easy" again; and 3) the thought of losing another baby, even after 3 successful births, still terrifies me. Being open to life is so complicated sometimes...

    I'm so happy for you, truly!! :) (and yay for blogging more!)