Wednesday, January 11, 2017

All I Want Is A Happy Ending

When I think of our fertility struggles and our future "family plans", all I want is a happy ending. And I have that right now. After four miscarriages, we've had a beautiful healthy baby boy. There is a completeness there. A sigh of relief. We made it. It's over. We've won. Except this isn't the end. I still have around fifteen years of fertility left. Who knows what will happen in that time?

I am ok with having more miscarriages as long as you tell me that my last pregnancy, whenever that is, is one that ends with a living child in my arms. The birth of a baby provides closure and resolution, a sense of victory and hope. But to end my childbearing years with a loss, to have my last pregnancy be a miscarriage, would leave an open wound. All miscarriages leave scars, of course, but in time and with the birth of a living child, those wounds heal. The scar always remains, the memory persists and there is still pain. But looking into my son's eyes, I'm able to say "everything was worth it" because now I have him. If I hadn't had those miscarriages, if I hadn't persisted through another pregnancy, and another one, and another one, I would have never gotten to the one which gave me my son.

Pregnancies that end in miscarriage have their own value, of course. An eternal soul brought into creation. Suffering that can be united with Christ for a greater purpose. Lessons learned. An opportunity to rely more fully on God in our grief. I pray that someday these things may be enough for me, but in my human selfishness, I struggle to see this as worth the great pain loss brings me.

Of course, no one can guarantee my happy ending. If we continue to be open to life (and we will be) we continue to be open to death. And I have to face the reality that there may not be a happy ending in store for me. Perhaps my last years of fertility will be riddled with miscarriages or perhaps we'll spend years longing for one more child only to suffer a secondary infertility that is never resolved.

How do I move forward? How do I acknowledge the risk of another loss and decide another pregnancy is worth it anyway? I don't know. I just have to have faith that no matter what happens, I'll get through it. God will see me through it.


  1. Somehow the part that you were ok with miscarriages as long as there was a living child at the end didn't sound right to me, but I could not put it into words why. Then I found a blog post with a story about teddies (please, it is not 'all about you' and not meant to be offensive, just bears some resemblance to the situation):
    / Marta

    1. Hi Marta, in this blog post I'm just expressing my feelings. I'm sorry they don't "sound right to you" but I was just honestly sharing a common thought I have had when thinking about future pregnancies (and I've had a lot of women tell me they've thought similar thoughts). I don't only share things that are theological truths, sometimes I just share how it feels. I think I was pretty clear to address what I think are your concerns in the third paragraph - that I know that each pregnancy and baby (born or not) has intrinsic value and is an eternal soul, however, I also admitted that I have a very hard time focusing on the good of that due to my own personal pain and selfishness. I'm not sure exactly what else you are getting at.