Oh, Hormones

It's been tough around here lately. And by "around here" I mean in my head. Everything else is going fine. After a weird job thing, David is working again at his old company with a nice raise and more responsibility, so it's all good there. Lucia is loving preschool and Davey is just sweet as ever, on the precipice of walking and becoming quite the troublemaker. It's all good.

And maybe because it's all so lovely, I'm missing the little ones we lost even more. No, actually, I think it's just all crazy hormones. I imagine it's my cycle starting up again, although it's been going on for about three months now and no cycle to be seen (no positive pregnancy test either, in case you are wondering). I'm just a constant weepy, hormonal mess. I burst into tears a lot while watching the old seasons of The Amazing Race, just to prove to you that this is all hormones and doesn't make a lick of sense.3 I've also just been feeling plain icky - nauseous, headaches, tired, etc. - and it's all kind of wearing on me.

Anyway, with all these insane hormones, thoughts of our little ones turn really depressing really quickly. For the most part, I've reached a place where most of the time when I think of them there is a kind of fond remembrance kind of feeling. Thoughts of them are bittersweet but mostly positive. I love them, I miss them, and I'm so happy to have had them. But recently, the longing (and the sobbing!) has really been coming out. I just want them here with me right now and nothing makes it better. I wish I had some kind of coping strategies for those hard moments but time (or sleep) seems to be the only thing that gets them to pass. So, I'm mostly just sitting around, waiting for my period to start in hopes that a little hormonal balance will make it all better.

source: unsplash