Relief

We're settling in well to our new/old home in Colorado. David started his job on Monday, I had my first prenatal appointment here yesterday. I've started changing the preset stations on the car radio. (That's the true test of whether you've settled in or not, isn't it?) We still have a lot to unpack and arrange and organize, but the hardest parts are over.

We moved when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Lucia (on our first wedding anniversary - boy, that was romantic) and that time I drove instead of flew so I thought this move would be a cinch. But I forgot to factor in the altitude change this time (the previous move was from Indiana to North Carolina, this one was from pretty-darn-close to sea level Raleigh to a mile high) and the fact that this pregnancy has just overall been physically more difficult than my pregnancy with Lucia. But, it's done with and I have plenty of time to rest now.

I also made it through my best friend's wedding. Being matron of honor AND having Lucia be the flower girl in the wedding was a bit tricky and involved a lot of preparation. Having that all come on the very close heels of a move was, well, a bit insane. Oh, and being pregnant on top of that - yikes, when I put it that way it seems a lot more stressful than I originally expected. But the wedding was beautiful and there were no major hitches and my best friend is a married woman off enjoying her honeymoon, so it was s busy and successful week.

We've only been here a few weeks, but already it's obvious that this move is the best thing we could have done for our family. Before our move, I was struggling with some pretty severe depression and anxiety. We were talking medications and other treatment options and I was really, really scared that if it got any worse, I might have to check myself into some kind of mental health facility. It wasn't quite that bad yet, but it was quickly getting there. It seems impossible that I was feeling that way just a few weeks ago because, today, I feel perfectly fine. 

I know it's not just the move that has made that much difference, but certainly that's a factor. The move was a huge stressor that is now completely gone. I also started feeling the baby move a few weeks ago and the kicks have gotten stronger and more regular; having that regular reminder that the baby is alive is huge for my emotional well-being. I'm well past the point in pregnancy where I previously miscarried (and the point where miscarrying become much less statistically probable). My parents have been able to help so much with Lucia so I can rest. I've been super busy unpacking and with the wedding, which has kept me focused on being productive, which is a huge mood booster for me. I've been getting out of the house regularly and spending a lot of time outdoors with Lucia (which is a huge change for us due to the somewhat unsafe neighborhood we moved from). 

I also stopped taking progesterone. I've been reading quite a bit about depression in pregnancy and some studies have shown that women with depression tended to also have higher than average levels of progesterone. So maybe it wasn't a good idea for me to continue to add progesterone to my body. My progesterone levels have been healthy and it's been causing some other pretty nasty side effects so I decided I would try to go off it and see if it improved my mood. It did. Honestly, I'm guessing that was the biggest piece of this puzzle because it was like a veil of depression being almost instantly lifted, which is just insane. 

I feel very fortunate. Although pregnancy will never be blissful or worry-free for me like it was before my miscarriages, it seems like I will be free of the oppressing depression. It was clear to me that I was struggling with something more than just the normal stress and anxiety of a pregnancy after multiple losses, but I had no idea what exactly was the depression and what was "normal" for pregnancy after loss. But here I am and the depression has lifted and what remains is very, very manageable. I still worry about the baby. I still am very aware that something could happen between now and a full-term birth that could result in the death of my child. I'm still not feeling all that celebratory or "glowing". There is still a degree of fear and sadness, but much less than before and none of the overwhelming despair. Instead of dreading every day of the rest of my pregnancy (149 days left until my "working" due date according to my pregnancy app), I feel like I can actually enjoy it a bit or if not exactly enjoy it, at least stop feeling like it's a burden.