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This year has been rough.
Since April of 2013 I have been pregnant twice. I have gone through almost two complete first
trimesters even though neither of my children ever developed far enough to have
a body. I have gone through a prolonged
miscarriage that ended in an urgent D&E that shook me to the core and a
natural miscarriage that is my new rock to stand on.
I’m not writing today to tell you about those experiences,
the events or emotions that have led me through this year. Right now, as I impatiently wait for my HcG
to finally disappear from my natural MC only a few weeks ago, I want to tell
you about the flip-side.
I’m a Catholic convert, and yes part of that process has
been developing and making peace with what is often called married couples
“openness to life”. I’ve learned
charting and more about my bodies signs, symptoms and patterns than I ever knew
existed. My husband and I try our best
to approach our family life in a way that makes sense in combination with our
religious teachings.
When you talk about a Catholic being “open to life” the
first image folks normally see is a large family; a never-ending stream of
close in age children. When people first
start approaching Catholic teaching on the subject of their fertility and
family planning that is all we see. We
come to grips, or not, with the idea that being “open to life” means that we’re
going to be the clown car family of constant pregnancy and birth. After all, all good Catholic families are
large.
Right?
In many cases, yes; I definitely have my share of friends
with five or more children and in some cases the oldest isn’t even ready for
first grade. But, there’s a side that’s
not as well considered in the “open to life” discussion. We work hard to teach our new couples to
budget, work hard, and live thrifty lives to support those broods that might be
just around the corner and all the time we forget that for every light there is
a dark.
The birth of my son almost three years ago opened my eyes to
what it means to be open to life. It
radically changed my outlook on how I considered my children and the things
that might get in their way of a normal life and development. It wasn’t long after he was born that I told
my husband point blank that every child I conceive will be given the best
chance we can make at being held and told “I love you”, no matter how long that
time lasts. I felt like I understood
what it meant to be “Open to Life”.
The deaths of my two children this year showed me
otherwise. As I sat in my bedroom
recovering from my natural loss a few weeks ago I realized this. Being “Open to Life” isn’t just about
learning to chart, discerning good times and learning to anticipate and
sacrifice for a baby boom.
It’s a willingness to be disappointed.
It’s a willingness to wait to get excited.
It’s a willingness to say goodbye.
It’s a willingness to be scared and frustrated and mad and
every emotion other than joy and happiness.
It’s a willingness to accept what you’ve been given even if
it’s not what you want.
I do not know what the future holds for my family. There’s a chance that three is our perfect
number, and there’s a chance that the third time will be a charm. I’m nervous and I’m uncertain, but I know so
much more of this call to Life. Because
it is not just a call to Life; it is a call to Life, Loss and everything in
between.
The past year was the “Year of Faith” in our church and I’ve
reflected, often bitterly, about the irony of it being a “Year of Faith” during
the year that has really tested mine.
But, I’ve learned and I’ve grown.
My faith has been tested and my faith is stronger. Being open to life encompasses it all – life,
love, loss, joy and tears – but the other side of Life is not death.
In the words of St. Teresa of Avila –
“To have courage for whatever comes in life – everything lies in that.”
The other side of
Life is Faith, and everything lies in that.
Molly W is a Catholic wife and {working} mother to one amazing preschooler and three souls in heaven. She loves book-lists, backyards,
and the BBC, but not necessarily in that order She writes at Molly Makes Do about bringing a love of Learning, a love of Life, and a love of Faith into her home.
I've found both your and Molly's blogs after my daughter's stillbirth in January. I can relate to so much of what you both post. I thank you for being open and sharing and pray for both of your families.
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