Expectations

After my post yesterday, there are a few things I want to clarify. Most importantly, I do not blame my family and friends for not supporting me in the way I've needed during various points during and after my miscarriages and pregnancies. I'm not angry or bitter and I don't expect anyone to know exactly the right things to say or do in each situation. Even when people say hurtful and thoughtless comments, I'm not angry. At least, not at them. Sometimes I rage a little at our society which treats lives, especially unborn lives, as disposable and pregnancy loss as an issue to be handled quietly and quickly.

I didn't know many people who had miscarriages before I had mine. I married long before most of my friends (many who are still single) so it just didn't come up. But I know, without a doubt, that there is no way I would have said or done the right things after a loss. And I know that even now, regardless of all my personal experience, I probably rarely say or do the perfect thing after someone else experiences a loss. Each woman is going to approach pregnancy loss in a different way and going to have distinct needs so even if I know what support I needed and appreciated, that doesn't necessarily mean much for another woman.

I have wonderful family members and friends who have all tried to offer support in their own way. Sometimes they missed the mark, but I know that no one has ever meant to hurt me and I do believe that intentions matter. I can still feel the love behind a ill fated remark. At times, it's been difficult to not receive the support I've needed. Thinking back on the times I felt forgotten and alone leaves me sad. But there is no one to blame, least of all the people who love me and who have always tried to support me.

On those days I could have used a phone call and a How was your appointment? I didn't want or expect every person I knew to make that call or ask that question. I know that even those with the best intentions forget or get difficult news of their own or get caught up and can't find a moment to contact me. It wasn't that I wanted everyone to call, it was that I wanted anyone to call. So how could I be upset with any one person? How could I even expect that of any one person?

In the end, I know that I am blessed to have had the support I have had. Even if it hasn't always been exactly what I've needed or wanted, I have had support. Many women have mentioned to me that they've had no support at all. Now that is something to be angry about.

P.S. I've been thinking so much about doctor's appointments because I had one today. Everything is going well! We got to bring home a great picture of baby and we've made it out of the first trimester.