tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17767683765838205192024-03-05T00:50:32.227-08:00a blog about miscarriagethoughts on pregnancy loss & pregnancy after lossMandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.comBlogger79125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-87333272605469979292018-11-28T00:00:00.000-08:002018-12-04T09:19:21.372-08:00Pregnancy Loss Resource: Grieving TogetherHello dear readers! It's been a while since I published a post and even longer since I posted regularly, but since this blog does get regular hits from women (and probably men) looking for miscarriage resources and support and companionship, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to share - <b>and giveaway!</b> - an incredible new miscarriage resource. I received a free copy of the book to review, but my admiration is 100% authentic.<br />
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In the five years since my first miscarriage, I've often thought of the books I wish had been written about miscarriage. I've really yearned for miscarriage books specifically from the Catholic perspective and there aren't many out there. I've wished for books about pregnancy after loss, ones specifically about recurrent miscarriage, and books that connected the Saints and their wisdom to pregnancy loss. However, one of the books I never thought about that (I didn't realize) I needed was one written by a married couple: <i>Grieving Together: A Couple's Journey through Miscarriage</i>.<br />
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Perhaps the most unique aspect of this book is not that it discusses marriage (though that too is novel), but that it includes a male author, a father's voice. Men are usually completely left out of the topic of miscarriage all together, something I quickly realized after my first loss. Written by Laura Kelly Fanucci and Franco David Fanucci, a couple who experienced infertility, miscarriage, and infant death together, <i>Grieving Together</i> finally addresses this deficit (and so much more).<br />
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One of the things I appreciate most about this book is that, though less than 200 pages, it covers a wide range of aspects of miscarriage, including not only grieving as a couple, but also the answers to many of the practical and spiritual questions about loss, for example: What is physical recovery like? What can you do to support a friend who lost a baby? Are miscarried babies in heaven? And it also has an excellent section on pregnancy after loss, satisfying my desire for a book on that topic.<br />
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I can't recommend this book enough for any Catholic couple who has lost a baby to miscarriage (and much of the book is relevant to any Christian couple). I could go on and on about the merits of this book, but I'll just leave you with this final praise, the email message I sent to author Laura Fanucci while reading my copy: "Laura, thank you so much for this book. It’s been almost 4 years and two healthy pregnancies and babies since my last (my fourth) miscarriage but for some reason the past month has been really hard. This been has helped heal some of the hurt I didn’t realize was still there. On two occasions, I’ve also come to bed to see my husband had snagged my copy off my nightstand and was reading it."<br />
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<i>Grieving Together</i> was released earlier this month and is available from <a href="https://www.osvcatholicbookstore.com/product/grieving-together-a-couple-s-journey-through-miscarriage" target="_blank">Our Sunday Visitor</a> and <a href="https://amzn.to/2zvfJzQ" target="_blank">Amazon</a>. You can also read more from Laura Fanucci at her lovely blog, <a href="https://motheringspirit.com/" target="_blank">Mothering Spirit</a>. Excerpts of the book have also been turned into a free e-book, "<a href="http://response.osv.com/grievingtogether" target="_blank">How To Support Parents Who Have Lost a Child</a>", a wonderful resource in itself.<br />
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<b>If you would like to win this book for yourself or to give to a friend who has experienced miscarriage, please comment below with <i>why you would want to win this book/what you are most interested in reading about in it</i>. </b>Please make sure to include an email address so I can contact you if you win. A winner will be randomly chosen on Dec. 6 (the Feast of St. Nicholas) so I can ship it to you in time for Christmas, since the holidays can be a particularly difficult time after losing a baby (even years later, Christmas is difficult for me without all my children here). God bless you and good luck!Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-53740029173083577822018-07-06T20:50:00.000-07:002018-07-06T21:00:03.565-07:00Cecilia's Birth StoryI haven't written in almost 11 months since I announced the birth of my sweet baby girl. Well, she's quickly coming up on her first birthday so I thought I should probably finally post her birth story which I wrote MONTHS ago but had been waiting to fact check with David. Well, here it is! I may start writing again a bit more (like, maybe once every few months, don't expect much) now that my baby is a bit older and our foster son has left (guess I never shared that whole story...we had a sweet 1 year old foster son with us for a few months). But no promises.<br />
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On Saturday, August 12, I was four days past my due date.
Since my first two babies had been born eight and ten days past their due
dates, I was hopeful that maybe I would go into labor that day but not
particularly expectant. My parents came in the morning to pick up Lucia and
Davey for a day at the zoo so David and I decided to make the best of our day
without kids. We leisurely got ready, then headed to Longmont to go to my
favorite thrift store. <o:p></o:p></div>
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After browsing around for a while, we headed to a nice restaurant
for lunch where I got a very spicy meal and then we had chocolate fondue for
dessert. The place wasn’t busy so the (male) bartender came over to chat with
us and mentioned it looked like I was past my due date. I was impressed by his
insightful comment, since I’ve never been able to tell the difference in
pregnant women close to going into labor, but also encouraged by it because it
was similar to comments made by my midwife and her assistant a few days before.
She thought I would have the baby by the end of the weekend. The lunch was a
perfect date for the two of us, a little last alone time before the new baby.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We headed home after our meal and took a nap, truly soaking
in our day alone. When we woke up, I remember commenting how it would be the
perfect day to go into labor since I was well fed and well rested. <o:p></o:p></div>
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My parents brought the kids home around 5:00 and I took them
to the backyard to play while I cleaned out the chicken coop and pulled weeds
in the garden. While I was out there I started to feel a little “off”. No real
contractions, but maybe a slight bit of cramping in my lower abdomen. I told
David that something might be happening, but continued in the garden until I
started feeling actual contractions right around 6:00. They were really light
but I decided that since I hadn’t really had any Braxton Hicks this pregnancy
this was probably the beginning of labor. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I called my parents right away to tell them to pick up the
kids. Since my labor with Davey was less than an hour, I didn’t want to wait
even though I expected it to be longer this time. My one real anxiety about
this labor was not whether the midwife would arrive in time (that was David’s
main concern) but whether my parents would pick up my kids in time because I
really worried about them being there. Lucia is a very sensitive little girl
who cries anytime I am hurt or upset, and I didn’t want to be distracted by
trying to comfort her or feeling like I had to hide my discomfort. My mom
arrived shortly afterward for the kids, commenting that as anxious as she had
been all week for me to go into labor, this was the one day she would have been
ok waiting because she and my dad were so tired from the zoo that day.<o:p></o:p></div>
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While we were waiting for my mom to come, I sent a text to
my midwife Lynnette to let her know that I was having mild contractions and
most likely in early labor. She immediately asked if we wanted her to come
right away, knowing how quick the last labor was and how nervous we were about
the quick timing, but I told her we would time the contractions first and let
her know. David downloaded a contraction timing app on his phone and after a
few contractions noted that they were about 4 minutes apart but still very mild
in strength. After the kids left, I sat down and my contractions spaced out
considerably, about 12 minutes apart. When I got back up and was walking
around, preparing our bed for the birth, getting towels ready, etc., they went
back to four minutes apart. They were getting slightly stronger so we decided
to ask my midwife to come, since she had a 40 minute drive. I sat and knitted
most of the time while we waited for her and my contractions again immediately
spaced out but then started to get closer together while we waited for her. <o:p></o:p></div>
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When Lynnette and her assistant, Tatia, arrived, we talked
for a few minutes and she listened to the baby’s heart. David and I then took a
walk to our parish church just down the street from our house in order to keep
contractions coming. I had to stop several times on the way there and back
during contractions so they were getting stronger, but still not so bad that I
couldn’t talk through them. We had hoped to be able to go into the church to
pray, but just as we were getting there, people were leaving and the door
locked behind them. If we had only gotten there two minutes earlier, we could
have walked in as they were leaving. The perpetual adoration chapel which is
opened 24/7 was also closed due to repairs, so we settled for visiting the Marian
statue out front. I asked David to take my picture there – my last pregnant
picture! – and then we walked back home. <o:p></o:p></div>
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We decided to go into the basement to watch an episode of
The Amazing Race. David and I love The Amazing Race. It’s our special show together.
We didn’t start watching it until a few years ago so for the past year, we have
slowly been working through watching all the seasons from the beginning. We
usually watch an episode or two a week together at night after the kids go to
bed, although we had been watching much more than during the end of my
pregnancy, an episode or two almost every night. So it was my first choice of
something to do to distract myself while I was able to. We watched a full
episode and during that time the contractions got steadily stronger. We started
another episode but stopped only about 10 minutes in because the contractions
were so strong that I had to stand and hold onto David to get through them. I
could no longer concentrate and said that we should go back upstairs because I
thought if we waited much longer, I wouldn’t be able to move. <o:p></o:p></div>
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While we were downstairs, Lynnette and Tatia were preparing
by getting the supplies ready and then sitting upstairs talking. I appreciated
having the option to be alone for a while. When I came upstairs they talked to
me briefly about how/what I was feeling and then David and I went into our
bedroom alone. I contracted on the bed a while, moaning a bit through the
contractions now. At some point, Lynnette realized by my sounds that I was
getting close, so they came in. I mostly contracted on my side and then toward
the end on my back. I held on tightly to David’s arms and pulled myself into
him through contractions while Tatia put pressure on my back. <o:p></o:p></div>
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This went on for a while until I got the urge to push. I was
surprised a bit by how painful it all was. A bearable painful, similar to the
pain of Lucia’s childbirth that I had mostly forgotten, but a pain that I
didn’t really experience during David’s very fleeting labor. I hadn’t intentionally
pushed at all with Davey, but I did push several times this time. The bag of
waters was intact until the very end, breaking while I was pushing at 10:35.
Baby was born at 10:36. It seemed like it took forever to push, but it was only
a few minutes. There was a fist by baby’s face which was harder and more
painful to push out than just a head alone, but once the arm was out, the rest
followed easily. Lynnette caught her and put her on my chest. After the fact, I
was a little disappointed David didn’t catch the baby since he had with both
Lucia and Davey, but this time I really needed him up with me during those last
few pushes. <o:p></o:p><br />
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David and I noticed immediately that this little baby was a
girl! Our Cecilia! She was beautiful and looked so much like her sister as a
newborn – David commented on that immediately. She cried right away and looked
perfect. I just held my baby tight and told her I was her mama and I loved her
and I marveled at how tiny and perfect and beautiful she was. My pregnancy has
been healthy and happy and generally free from anxiety but there was a moment
of relief holding her in my arms, a relief that only comes after having lost a
baby.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I held her for a bit in a towel – she wasn’t very bloody but
covered in tons of vernix – and then tried to get her to nurse a bit while we
were waiting to deliver the placenta, but she wasn’t interested. She cried
quite a bit during her first few hours and wouldn’t nurse, which was unusual
and concerned me quite a bit and a midwife more than I think she let on, but
after several hours, she finally settled and nursed and is as healthy as can
be.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It took a bit to deliver my placenta, but it eventually came
quicker and easier than in the past. For the <br />
first time, I didn’t tear and need
stitches. I actually felt amazingly well right afterward and was delighted to
be in my own house able to walk around and take a shower just an hour after
birth. My entire recovery was easy and quick. It was in many ways, a very
blessed birth and another beautiful step in healing from the continued pain of
pregnancy loss.</div>
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In the morning, my parents brought the big brother and sister over to meet the new baby. When they arrived they didn't know she had been born but Lucia wanted to bring the card she made for the baby "just in case". Lucia also had told my parents when she woke up that she had a dream that mommy had a baby girl the previous night. It was so sweet introducing the kids and even little Davey seemed to love his baby sister right away.<br />
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I didn't pray during Lucia's birth because it was just too all consuming and Davey's had been too fast to think of pretty much anything but I had planned to pray for many intentions during my birth
but when the time came, I was in so much pain that I could only focus on one, a
couple in our extended family who were longing for a child but having trouble
conceiving. I offered up all the pain and doubt and suffering of the birth for
them. They are still waiting for a living child, so if you could join me in
praying for them, I’d be very grateful.<br />
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-72652563450160679602017-08-21T20:44:00.000-07:002017-08-21T20:44:25.399-07:00My Golden Girl<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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David and I welcomed another sweet little girl to our family on Saturday, August 12 at 10:36 pm. Cecilia Claire was born at home after a 4.5 hour labor. She was our longest, leanest baby at 7 lbs 9 oz and 20.5 inches. She looks almost exactly like her big sister did as a newborn.<br />
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Big sister and brother came to meet her the next morning and just adore her. Both Cecilia and I are doing wonderfully and we are all adjusting really well to life as a family of five. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us.<br />
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I plan to write her birth story out in the next few days, but for now I wanted to share a bit about her name. She was named for St. Cecilia and my grandmother, Cecilia, who came from a devout Catholic family and was herself named after the Saint. Both my grandmother and grandfather were very surprised and pleased by her name. They wouldn't stop talking about it, which is actually quite touching because they both have severe dementia and have trouble remembering things from minute to minute. It was so lovely that they remembered her name and were able to talk about it at length.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My grandmother, Cecilia Refugia, with her great granddaughter, Cecilia Claire.</td></tr>
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Claire was the middle name we had decided to use had Davey been a girl, but we didn't consider it must this pregnancy until the last week or so. I wasn't particularly sold on any one name, but David like the idea of her initials being CC with Cici being a nickname and her full initials being CCR (like Creedence Clearwater Revival, which I will agree is an awesome band). And, of course, the only reason we considered it at all was because of St. Clare of Assisi (whose feast day was the day BEFORE she was born; I was really hoping she would be born that day as a clear sign she should be Cecilia Claire).<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">today, 9 days old</td></tr>
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-371044720915215882017-03-13T05:44:00.001-07:002017-03-13T05:44:10.797-07:00May Comes AnywayMay is coming. It always does. There are few things I dread quite like May. May 8th is due date of Francis, the first baby we lost, and in many ways has become the one day that represents all our lost children. Last year, it also happened to fall on Mother's Day which was particularly rough.<br />
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I had hoped that this day would get easier over time but it hasn't. In many ways, it's harder now. When we lived in North Carolina, we would go to the cemetery and the beach to mark this day. There is no grave or beach here in Colorado so the day is empty of even the rituals we had created that made it that much more bearable.<br />
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Over the years, I've also tried to express to various friends and family members that May 8th is an important day to me that I would like remembered but for some reason, that message never got through. I think perhaps I wasn't as clear as I thought I was about conveying the message. I imagine most simply, unintentionally forgot and for a few others, it's a bit too awkward or painful and so they intentionally forgot. It's ok, that's just how it turned out and I know that no one was intentionally being hurtful. But it does break my heart a little bit when I hear other people say or see bloggers write about how people in their lives remember their little ones on those special days. I want that. I need that. But my day of remembrance is a very solitary day, one I generally reflect on completely alone, without even my husband.<br />
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This year I am in lucky in that we will be taking a trip to North Carolina at the end of May and I'll be able to visit Francis's grave then. That will give me something to look forward to when May 8th comes.<br />
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I'm currently pregnant for the seventh time so why does the baby we lost in my second pregnancy still bring me so much pain? I've had three losses since then, none that were quite so painful and none that I think about even nearly so often. I've had a living child since then, a beautiful baby boy who is the source of immense joy, and have every reason to anticipate that my current pregnancy will end in another living child. I had a child already when Francis was lost and that little girl continues to be just this beautiful ray of sunshine and hope. So why do I still so deeply mourn my second child, the first baby I lost, my tiny little Francis? The truth is, I don't know. Grief in inexplicable, really.<br />
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I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I hadn't spend hours over the last few days crying. I wish Francis was just a memory, a painful memory sure, but something solidly in the past. But he/she is not. I am so grateful for my two living children. I love them so very much. In many ways, our family feels good and whole. But them, suddenly, sometimes it doesn't and I'm keenly aware that someone is missing. The age gap between my two suddenly seems gaping and it's hard not to notice that someone should be filling that gap. Not a hypothetical someone, but a real someone. A child who did exist, if only for a very short time, and whose eternal soul still exists far away from his/her earthly family.<br />
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Usually I try to have a point to my posts. I mostly write to be helpful to other people. But sometimes, I write just for me. I don't have anyone in my life who I feel comfortable talking to about things like this and sometimes I feel like I just have to share how I'm feeling with someone, anyone, even strangers on the internet. Grief feels really lonely and the loneliness seems to make it even worse.<br />
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-72593248564760923642017-03-08T08:26:00.000-08:002017-03-08T08:26:32.638-08:00Surprised by PeaceI haven't found myself with lots of time to sit and contemplate this pregnancy, but when I have, the word that just seems to encompass it all is <b><i>peace</i></b>. That's not to say that this pregnancy has been easy. It's been delightfully without complications, but the first trimester was marked by the worst morning sickness and exhaustion I've experienced and the second trimester has so far been riddled with illness including a horrible bout of the flu. Overall, nothing to truly complain about though in those moments it all seemed dramatically unbearable. Through it all though, there was the underlying peacefulness.<br />
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I thought that after my miscarriages, pregnancy would never be joyful again. And so I've been completely blindsided by the joy that has come this time around. I no longer have the same naivety I did during my first pregnancy. I'm much more aware of all the things that can and might go wrong. I don't take for granted that a positive pregnancy test means a living baby nine months down the road. But unlike my last pregnancy, I don't expect something bad to happen. I'm aware it could happen, but I have hope. I cannot begin to describe just how surprising these feelings are: peace, joy, hope.<br />
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There is something incredibly redemptive and healing about this pregnancy. The way it has blessed me is truly humbling. I am so undeserving. I know all too well that many women never get to have an experience like this after infertility or loss. Many never get their living child, yet here I am with my daughter, my beautiful toddler son born after loss, and now this new little one to love and cherish. Nothing I've ever done or could ever do would make me deserving of these blessings.<br />
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I came up with the term "<a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2017/02/golden-baby.html" target="_blank">golden baby</a>" to describe the baby AFTER a rainbow baby in kind of an offhand way. <i>The rainbow comes after the storm. Well, what comes after the rainbow? Oh, a pot of gold. Golden baby. Ok, that sounds nice.</i> I just wanted a term for it because this pregnancy felt special - not like a pregnancy before loss, but also not like a pregnancy right after loss. But the more I think about it, the term just seems <i>right</i>. This baby is someone special, someone set apart. A child who has healed my heart and soul in amazing ways. A child who was never expected and who has crept into our family as a little someone extra, a little added blessing who will bring with him/her beauty and joy I can't even begin to imagine. My little golden baby. My baby.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How could I not already feel ABUNDANTLY blessed with these two?</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">18 weeks. And suddenly, I can't hide this little blessing from the world anymore. <br />(But I'm still wearing my regular pants - can't quite figure out quite how that's possible though!)</td></tr>
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-45310713985887680402017-02-28T07:20:00.001-08:002017-02-28T07:20:39.670-08:00Golden BabyThe past few months have been a bit of a whirlwind for our family. About 6 weeks ago, the company David worked for went out of business (again - the second time in 6 months with no other companies to buy them out and save them this time). About a week after that, we became certified as foster parents and 8 days after certification, we got the call to take in two sisters, age 2 and 5.<br />
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The day after we brought the girls home, David was offered a job with extensive travel (10-15 days per month is what it's looking like). He had two weeks before starting that job in which he was home full time and helping me adjust to caring for four kids and welcoming the girls into our family. During that time, thee four kids and me all got the flu. Thankfully David didn't get it and was able to care for us all, but it was a tough time. I haven't had the flu in probably 15 years so it just seemed like such terrible timing and really made incorporating the girls into our family that much more difficult.<br />
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Last week was David's first week on the job and he was gone Monday-Friday. On Wednesday, we learned that the girls would be leaving us on Friday to live with family. It truly seems like they are going to a great situation with loving, stable family, but after only 3 weeks we did get attached and it was hard to say goodbye, and especially for me to get them packed up and to have to deal with the emotional aspect of saying goodbye to them on my own with David still away. The littlest one called me mama as was already so attached to me so saying goodbye to her was particularly rough.<br />
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The first chapter of our experience as foster parents is over and we are grateful we were able to help these girls in their time of need. It was all a bit of an unusual case and we thought we would have the girls here with us for at least six months...and then they weren't. Which in the end is best for them (better for them to gain permanency now) and in many ways for us too. Having a short first placement gave us experience to be able to discern a little more carefully future placements in our home so that we can be the best foster parents possible by making sure the children are the best fit for our family and our family is adequately able to care for the needs of the kids. I definitely feel like fostering is one of those things you can read about and talk about and take trainings for but never really understand until you are doing it. And truly each child and situation is different, but we feel like we understand it a bit better and are a bit more prepared for next time.<br />
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This all leads me to perhaps our biggest and most important recent news:<b> I'm expecting! </b>It's seems a bit crazy that two years ago, we were just finding out we were pregnant with Davey shortly after my <a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2015/05/laparoscopy-surgery-for-endometriosis.html" target="_blank">endometriosis surgery</a> and we had only the teeny tiniest hope that that baby might actually live. That baby did live (and is currently making a mess of my kitchen - the boy loves colanders) and now I am 17 weeks pregnant with his little brother or sister. In many ways, this pregnancy is completely overwhelming. It's been completely normal and healthy, something that really just doesn't seem <i>normal </i>to me. Davey came after four miscarriages, dozens of blood draws, hundreds of injections, and a surgery. In many ways it felt like we had to work hard for our baby, we had to earn him. (I know that baby's are not truly earned - they are always undeserved blessings. But after my experiences, it just <i>felt </i>like suffering was a necessary part of eventually having a living child.)<br />
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This pregnancy has been effortless (not to say I haven't felt unwell, I had a terribly sick first trimester but there hasn't been any bleeding or other fears about the health of the baby) and I just feel so undeserving. To have to healthy pregnancies and babies in a row seems almost impossible after what I had gone through and just the <i><b>unworthiness </b></i>I feel about it all is often so overwhelming. There are so many couples out there still waiting for a baby after infertility or loss. So many of them are so much more deserving than I of a baby. Why has God blessed me with another (living) child while they still wait and suffer? I know there aren't answers to these questions. I know that our baby is completely undeserved by me (what could I ever do to deserve him/her?) and I know that this baby is nothing but a blessing and a gift. And I'm so very, very grateful.<br />
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I've been thinking a lot about a pregnancy <i>after </i>a pregnancy after loss. It's not the same as that first pregnancy after loss. But it's not the same as never experiencing a loss at all, either. A baby born after a loss is often called a "rainbow baby" (though I prefer the term <a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2015/08/penumbra-baby-28-week-bumpdate.html" target="_blank">penumbra baby</a>), so what is a baby born <i>after </i>a rainbow baby? I couldn't find a term or any discussion of this subsequent baby and pregnancy anywhere, but I've been thinking about our little one as our "golden baby". (You know, for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Ok, probably not as clever as I thought.) I know it's not everyone's experience, but my "pregnancy after loss" with Davey was overshadowed by depression and fear. This pregnancy feels redemptive in many ways. I'm rediscovering the joy of carrying life that filled my first pregnancy with Lucia (and my second pregnancy in which we lost Francis) but that has been completely absent in subsequent pregnancies. I am so grateful for this pregnancy and baby and so looking forward to seeing baby's sweet little face.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPXfsYr9mzNOU-li87mqGyuMfUteIP1X3-Oc8XC0VCpRlCettusct35uBNi25JnQ9ngkoXobYJoOTkqN_j2PRtP0UjaCE6kvwO3f_IsRTonMESlHBVQo6e0Qj9-NctDjI9p9GdwukrMXsr/s1600/IMG_1430.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPXfsYr9mzNOU-li87mqGyuMfUteIP1X3-Oc8XC0VCpRlCettusct35uBNi25JnQ9ngkoXobYJoOTkqN_j2PRtP0UjaCE6kvwO3f_IsRTonMESlHBVQo6e0Qj9-NctDjI9p9GdwukrMXsr/s400/IMG_1430.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lucia's portrait of the baby in my tummy (whom she calls "Magic Bean") complete with umbilical cord and placenta. <br />She is thrilled. Davey is oblivious.</td></tr>
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-55233226420694719802017-01-11T05:38:00.000-08:002017-01-11T05:38:26.486-08:00All I Want Is A Happy EndingWhen I think of our fertility struggles and our future "family plans", <b><i>all I want is a happy ending</i></b>. And I have that right now. After four miscarriages, we've had a beautiful healthy baby boy. There is a completeness there. A sigh of relief. <i>We made it. It's over. We've won. </i>Except this isn't the end. I still have around fifteen years of fertility left. Who knows what will happen in that time?<br />
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I am ok with having more miscarriages as long as you tell me that my last pregnancy, whenever that is, is one that ends with a living child in my arms. The birth of a baby provides closure and resolution, a sense of victory and hope. But to end my childbearing years with a loss, to have my last pregnancy be a miscarriage, would leave an open wound. All miscarriages leave scars, of course, but in time and with the birth of a living child, those wounds heal. The scar always remains, the memory persists and there is still pain. But looking into my son's eyes, I'm able to say "everything was worth it" because now I have him. If I hadn't had those miscarriages, if I hadn't persisted through another pregnancy, and another one, and another one, I would have never gotten to the one which gave me my son.<br />
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Pregnancies that end in miscarriage have their own value, of course. An eternal soul brought into creation. Suffering that can be united with Christ for a greater purpose. Lessons learned. An opportunity to rely more fully on God in our grief. I pray that someday these things may be enough for me, but in my human selfishness, I struggle to see this as worth the great pain loss brings me.<br />
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Of course, no one can guarantee my happy ending. If we continue to be open to life (and we will be) we continue to be open to death. And I have to face the reality that there may not be a happy ending in store for me. Perhaps my last years of fertility will be riddled with miscarriages or perhaps we'll spend years longing for one more child only to suffer a secondary infertility that is never resolved.<br />
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How do I move forward? How do I acknowledge the risk of another loss and decide another pregnancy is worth it anyway? I don't know. I just have to have faith that no matter what happens, I'll get through it. God will see me through it.<br />
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-49722579061672983332017-01-06T16:11:00.000-08:002017-01-06T16:18:56.638-08:00All I Wanted Was a Card: Mixed Messages in Support and Grieving<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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After my second miscarriage, I told my mom that I really wanted her to send a card. My mom sends cards to everyone for every occasion, it is kind of her thing. Every insignificant holiday. Birthday cards. Anniversary cards. Get well cards. And if someone had a loved one die, even if it was someone she wasn't close to, you better believe she sent a card. If your beloved pet died, you'd be getting a card from my mom. But two of my babies had died and she hadn't sent me - her own daughter! - a card. And that hurt. It felt like she didn't acknowledge my losses as real losses.<br />
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I'm sure that was not what she was thinking at all and that I was being more irrational than anything else, but the pain caused by it was very real. So I told her. And still a card never came. I waited for weeks, months. I mentioned several times on the phone with her over the months after that loss that I still wanted her to send me a card. She never did. I don't know why. I guess she just thought it was too late and that I was telling her I wanted a card so that she knew what to do if (when) I had another miscarriage, but I thought that I was very clearly stating to her that I needed her to send me a card <i>now</i>.<br />
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At some point several months down the road, I blew up with her on the phone and told her how extremely hurt I was. She told me that instead of sending a card, she had done other things, like visiting with my dad at Easter and taking David, Lucia, and I on a vacation to the beach. And about a week later, a card came.<br />
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And after my fourth miscarriage (we didn't tell people about our third because it was so early), I received a card from my parents too. That time, it was very prompt.<br />
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I feel like this story is a perfect example of how messages somehow get mixed during periods of grief and how the support someone offers often doesn't reach their loved one, at least not in the form of support they actually want or need.<br />
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I never felt like I had the support I needed after my losses. Yet, I have several very kind, loving friends and family members and I know that they were attempting to offer me support. I imagine the mixed signals often happen because our society is so closed when it comes to issues of death and grieving. How can we help our loved ones during such a difficult time if we are expected to spend our entire lives acting as if such topics don't even exist?<br />
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I know that the majority of hurt and disappointment I felt at the lack of support was due to miscommunication, not due to actual lack of support. It wasn't the support I needed, but it <i>was </i>there. I truly believe even those who remained completely silent did it with the best intentions, thinking that bringing it up might be painful to me.<br />
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<b>I've come to really appreciate the efforts of those I love even if they missed the mark. But that perspective has taken time. Years. </b>Right after my miscarriages, when I needed that support and wasn't getting what I needed, it just hurt. It felt like they didn't care. Or that I was abandoned completely. I know that was an unfair assessment, but I've come to realize that grief is a very <i>selfish </i>time. It's a time when what <i><b>I want</b></i> and what <i><b>I need</b></i> and what <b><i>I feel</i> </b>trumps all. And that's not to say that it's a bad thing, or that those experiencing grief <b>are </b>selfish. But to expect someone in the midst of grief to step outside of themselves and see the broader picture is just not realistic. And to beat yourself up (as I sometimes do) for thinking selfishly during that time is nothing less than expecting yourself to be superhuman.<br />
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<b>If you do have someone in your life grieving a loss,</b> I encourage you to ask her what she needs you to do to help. She may not know, but she just might. And keep asking! Unlike the common belief that grief is short and thee grieving will return to normal after a set time of a week or a month, it's a LONG process. Often when the shock of the loss wears off and they grieving need the most support, those around them wrongly assume they've already "moved on". Over two years after my last loss there are still times that are tough and when I'd love the support of a friend!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">photo by Freddy Castro via <a href="https://unsplash.com/" target="_blank">Unsplash</a></td></tr>
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-62987245256983296062016-10-15T20:10:00.000-07:002016-10-15T20:13:55.674-07:00Remembrance is a little different for us this year (+ a giveaway)<div class="tr_bq">
Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. I spent the day with my husband at the last day of foster parent training. And you know what? That feels like the absolute best way we can love and honor the children we've lost.</div>
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Becoming a foster parent feels like an essential piece in my healing process. For three years now, I've forced myself to keep a space open in my life, a void that reminded me of of our loss. I didn't let anything fill that space because I felt like I needed to have this painful opening in order to feel the raw wound of the absence of our children. I thought that the only way to appropriately honor them was to be in constant pain, to stay in that place, and to always have a hole that reminded me what could have been and everything that was lost. Doing something that we wouldn't have done had our child(ren) lived seemed to be a form of treason, like leaving them behind or pretending they never existed.<br />
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It's only now, three years after my first loss, almost two years after my last, and just weeks away from the first birthday of my healthy (living!) baby boy, that I'm realizing the best way I can honor the children I've lost is to fill that void with <i>something good</i>.<br />
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No, we can't fill that open space in our lives with another child, that's not what foster parenting is about for us. Other women who have lost a child may fill that space with something else completely non-child related - volunteer work, prayer, art, etc. This is not about replacing our children, but forging ahead and creating a full, meaningful life with what we have been given.<br />
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David and I have talked about being foster parents since before we married. We've moved around frequently and struggled financially so that it was never a viable option until now. After buying our home earlier this year, we finally have the space and stability to be able to care for foster children. It was <i>time</i>.<br />
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And yet in the back of my mind, there was that thought, that reminder that if one of the children we lost had lived, we probably would not feel capable of being foster parents right now. We'd most likely have three children then, closer together in age, and I imagine we'd feel like there wasn't the extra time or energy or space right now for foster children.<br />
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The truth, however, is that our children did die. Francis died. Julian died. Adrienne died. Christian died. And I have a choice. Either I can continue to dwell on their deaths and make my life some kind of morbid mausoleum to them, or I can choose to turn their deaths into something positive. Because they died, my family has the resources to care for foster children. I think maybe I've not wanted to admit that there are good things we can do because they died for fear that in some way that could be twisted to mean that<i> it was good that they died</i>.<br />
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It was not good that they died. But their death can still bring about something good. I'm finally at the place where I'm ready for that. Where I no longer have to torture myself with thoughts of "what would have been". Where I no longer feel the need to punish myself with continual reminders of their deaths for fear that if we move on we are somehow betraying them, that we are in some way saying "it is better this way". No, it is not better. My four babies, four unique beautiful souls are missing from this world, but in their absence we can still go on living. It is not better, but it can still be good. It is good.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqFhoObeZ1Z7RxFW3kQZ7L_urdjUZoI5nghqDRercHusjyTOcCXzxTgXameXVD16dq3n2-ampoCDji0QwWSZmAaSDu3chrjxNyZtw1AXoqkfPZIu_QtG_FsBTBivTw9zTyXcpiVzoGLTmK/s1600/rocks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqFhoObeZ1Z7RxFW3kQZ7L_urdjUZoI5nghqDRercHusjyTOcCXzxTgXameXVD16dq3n2-ampoCDji0QwWSZmAaSDu3chrjxNyZtw1AXoqkfPZIu_QtG_FsBTBivTw9zTyXcpiVzoGLTmK/s640/rocks.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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I don't know how I missed it in the past, but it seems fitting that Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day is also St. Teresa of Avila's feast day. My favorite quote of hers seems so fitting today:<br />
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<b>Let nothing disturb you, </b><br />
<b>Let nothing frighten you,</b><br />
<b>All things are passing away:</b><br />
<b>God never changes.</b><br />
<b>Patience obtains all things</b><br />
<b>Whoever has God lacks nothing;</b><br />
<b>God alone suffices.</b><br />
-- St. Teresa of Avila</blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;">In honor of Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day, I would like to give away<a href="https://www.etsy.com/listing/279289118/god-alone-suffices-st-teresa-of-avila?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=teresa%20of%20avila%20quote&ref=sr_gallery_11" target="_blank"> a beautiful printable of this quote from the etsy shop brickhouseinthecity</a>. (Giveaway sponsored and purchased by me.) Also, <a href="https://m.facebook.com/kaylasusbornebookstore/" target="_blank">Usborne Books consultant Kayla Fellows</a> has very sweetly offered a giveaway item as well:</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>I am a stay at home wife and mother. I have felt the heartache of infertility, miscarriage and the anxiety of pregnancy after miscarriage. I am very blessed to have given birth to my rainbow baby almost a year ago. In honor of the baby I lost, Bernard Marie, I'd like to donate $15 worth of product from my <a href="https://n5333.myubam.com/" target="_blank">Usborne Book Store</a>.</i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I'll also throw in a<a href="http://www.lillarose.biz/mandi" target="_blank"> Lilla Rose hair accessory</a>, as always, since that's my little side biz. I'd like to keep the entries to parents who have lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.<b> To enter, simply comment telling me something you do to remember your baby/babies. </b></span>Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-42873591805260504302016-10-05T21:10:00.003-07:002016-10-05T21:10:40.856-07:00Fond Memories of an All Too Temporary JoyThree years ago, I was pregnant with our second child. I got a positive pregnancy test on September 1st, after four months of actively trying to conceive and a while before that of very sadly avoiding pregnancy due my husband's underemployment. The pregnancy was very desired, the baby was so very loved, and we were so, so excited. Miscarriage never even crossed my mind, but I would miscarry our baby at home on the night of October 10th after only a minor warning that something might be wrong. (You can read my detailed <a href="http://catholicnewlywed.blogspot.com/2013/11/our-pregnancy-loss-story.html" target="_blank">miscarriage story here</a>.)<br />
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I'm crying as I write this post, not thinking about the miscarriage but thinking about the incredible joy, hope, and expectation of those six short weeks that we had with our baby. They were so happy. I still possessed a slice of innocence that I'll never recover. And I'll never quite know that kind of hidden delight during a pregnancy again. I haven't though about it in a long time, but I can still remember exactly what it felt like, having the secret of a new life inside you, imagining the future with that little one laid out before you, the anticipation of bringing a new person into this world, picturing little toes and a tiny button nose. The term "expecting" has always been one that has appealed to me so much more than "pregnant" because it captures a bit of those fluttery feelings of excitement and anticipation and joy. The last few pregnancies though, I've expected a miscarriage, not a baby and there is nothing but dread in that. Even though my pregnancy with Davey was healthy and without any major complications, I was convinced my baby would not live until the moment David placed him on my chest on that cold evening <a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2015/12/davids-birth-story-or-how-having-baby.html" target="_blank">in the passenger's seat of our car</a>. Seeing his face for the first time was honestly a bit of a shock because despite being 41 weeks pregnant I was not expecting a living, breathing child. <br />
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So much more than a baby is lost during a miscarriage. It's the loss of hopes and dreams, innocence, joy. I'm glad I got those weeks of happiness with that baby and I mourn the fact that the three subsequent babies I lost didn't get a moment of joy or expectation from me. Davey didn't either until his birth (but he's gotten so much since, just the joy he brought me just today has more than made up for it, I think).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtDmG6CkQ3GAvwbb0lGh7MBhYYeuwR7GHIptLtLYpPsmcHgD4PoD8xu_9TDCZ_JvgilEVXoE4TU2xkba9WiG6XUWvgFoU5bSJBxjCCWVAyGzYVtpqcstmCnSguMgvXv1qQOVMLkBEokNt3/s1600/DSCN4080.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtDmG6CkQ3GAvwbb0lGh7MBhYYeuwR7GHIptLtLYpPsmcHgD4PoD8xu_9TDCZ_JvgilEVXoE4TU2xkba9WiG6XUWvgFoU5bSJBxjCCWVAyGzYVtpqcstmCnSguMgvXv1qQOVMLkBEokNt3/s400/DSCN4080.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I recently came across this picture of the pregnancy test I took on 9/1/13, confirming the much anticipated conception of our second child. I took this picture on 11/10/13 when I finally decided to throw the pregnancy test away as it continued to sit on our bathroom counter a month after our loss. Funny how a dried up stick of pee could mean so much, huh?</td></tr>
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-66836873384643246162016-09-28T10:13:00.000-07:002016-09-28T10:15:37.651-07:00Oh, Hormones It's been tough around here lately. And by "around here" I mean in my head. Everything else is going fine. After a weird job thing, David is working again at his old company with a nice raise and more responsibility, so it's all good there. Lucia is loving preschool and Davey is just sweet as ever, on the precipice of walking and becoming quite the troublemaker. It's all <i>good</i>.<br />
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And maybe because it's all so lovely, I'm missing the little ones we lost even more. No, actually, I think it's just all crazy hormones. I imagine it's my cycle starting up again, although it's been going on for about three months now and no cycle to be seen (no positive pregnancy test either, in case you are wondering). I'm just a constant weepy, hormonal mess. I burst into tears a lot while watching the old seasons of The Amazing Race, just to prove to you that this is all hormones and doesn't make a lick of sense.3 I've also just been feeling plain icky - nauseous, headaches, tired, etc. - and it's all kind of wearing on me.<br />
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Anyway, with all these insane hormones, thoughts of our little ones turn really depressing really quickly. For the most part, I've reached a place where most of the time when I think of them there is a kind of <i>fond remembrance </i>kind of feeling. Thoughts of them are bittersweet but mostly positive. I love them, I miss them, and I'm so happy to have had them. But recently, the <i>longing </i>(and the sobbing!) has really been coming out. I just <i><b>want them here with me right now</b></i> and nothing makes it better. I wish I had some kind of coping strategies for those hard moments but time (or sleep) seems to be the only thing that gets them to pass. So, I'm mostly just sitting around, waiting for my period to start in hopes that a little hormonal balance will make it all better.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij8d3wsPRKbzSPM7pYWuN4rj5pv8NVua-hSbGCRAGM6RYRAha6Pbr319unE1eV1NI2_bA3rbfMnsfQ1Ycj7Yifv5ATqMVf-rrfTd6ldfooShpI8sxVrNHaFmGTyphq5Y7AH8VmWMmXtvhc/s1600/sad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij8d3wsPRKbzSPM7pYWuN4rj5pv8NVua-hSbGCRAGM6RYRAha6Pbr319unE1eV1NI2_bA3rbfMnsfQ1Ycj7Yifv5ATqMVf-rrfTd6ldfooShpI8sxVrNHaFmGTyphq5Y7AH8VmWMmXtvhc/s640/sad.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">source: <a href="http://www.unsplash.com/" target="_blank">unsplash</a></td></tr>
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<br />Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-76965978237211252222016-09-15T14:57:00.002-07:002016-09-15T14:59:07.099-07:00JulianI somehow deleted a long post I wrote today about it being my child Julian's due date. He/she would have be turning two sometime this month. It's a hard day for me and the deletion of the post seems pretty dang symbolic. A post that will never be read about the baby who was never born. Yep, that about sums it up today.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7axc2gktYClRVZNOd0j_T4gJd96OELPJYuGYhqn16RvzSqP_Qyln6H5-G17-U-_nZ2aPGgSen_Jh4t_7t5_VBG8A8EB3p-tUonwz17F2NWTtcXtANvtaMXKKKzLlrKnCTZ4ju7BN9bvNE/s1600/FullSizeRender%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7axc2gktYClRVZNOd0j_T4gJd96OELPJYuGYhqn16RvzSqP_Qyln6H5-G17-U-_nZ2aPGgSen_Jh4t_7t5_VBG8A8EB3p-tUonwz17F2NWTtcXtANvtaMXKKKzLlrKnCTZ4ju7BN9bvNE/s400/FullSizeRender%25281%2529.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Julian's Certificate of Life from the <a href="https://www.bing.com/search?q=shrine+of+the+holy+innocents+book+of+life&pc=MOZI&form=MOZSBR" target="_blank">Shrine of the Holy Innocents</a></td></tr>
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<br />Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-66032711877765528502016-09-13T14:57:00.002-07:002016-09-13T14:57:39.248-07:00Re-entry Oh, well hello there! Let's see, the last time I wrote Davey was one month old and he just turned 10 months on Sunday. Nine months...it's been a while. I'm not sure why it's been so long since I last wrote. I've been busy, sure, but not <i>that </i>busy. I could have made the time if it was a priority. It just wasn't. I definitely have thoughts I would have liked to share but there was something holding me back too. <i>Does what I have to say about miscarriage matter now that I "am on the other side" with a living child? Will my thoughts and stories help or hurt women who are still striving for a living baby? The rest of the world has forgotten the children I've lost, because of time, and because I've "got my baby" now I'm not supposed to think of them anymore, much less still grieve - do I have a right to write about them anymore?</i><br />
<br />
In the end, the pull to write again is strong and I know there isn't too much out there about the "life after" because I've looked for it. When I was pregnant with Davey (and experiencing quite a bit of depression), I was looking for what it might be like after he were born. <i>How did other women feel? Would I have trouble connecting with my baby? How would I feel about future pregnancies? How should I respond to certain questions?</i> Of course, these experiences are felt differently by each woman, but I wanted a little heads up on how it might be. And now that I'm in this place and I have all these feelings, it would be nice to know that not every woman in my situation, but some, <i>at least one</i>, feels similarly to me. I'm not crazy, I'm not alone.<br />
<br />
So here I am, sharing what it's like so that other women might not feel so alone. (And I might not either. I'm definitely hoping for some "Me too!" in the comments.) Life after a pregnancy after loss in not the same as "life with a new baby". I still remember my miscarriages. I still think about them. I still grieve them. But having a living child after them <i>has </i>changed things, healed in some ways, but in other ways made it all a bit sadder, those children more missed. And having had previous losses changes the way I feel about and parent my new baby. I'm a bit more thankful, more in awe of each milestone, understanding just how fragile and miraculous life is.<br />
<br />
More on all that in later posts. As you can imagine, I've had many post topics brewing these past nine months. But for now, this seems like enough.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsCSlYDjLMDTiBjVGCiuH1BNAEYA5wze1HVDF4ASaIYWo5KFekkYurUOGhDdA924NNSnVRAn7MB-01aQd25n4LyuJCJ1gGyzMsJGebgqdbMErxuBAc3HdRHCLd0ByandDgMUjDbajUD8lm/s1600/IMG_0073.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsCSlYDjLMDTiBjVGCiuH1BNAEYA5wze1HVDF4ASaIYWo5KFekkYurUOGhDdA924NNSnVRAn7MB-01aQd25n4LyuJCJ1gGyzMsJGebgqdbMErxuBAc3HdRHCLd0ByandDgMUjDbajUD8lm/s400/IMG_0073.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lucia's first day of preschool a few weeks back.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-5382551884395096752015-12-23T08:00:00.000-08:002015-12-23T08:05:22.340-08:00Christmas always comes anyway. (And our Christmas letter.)<b>Christmas is in two days and I am not even close to being ready.</b> The last of my Christmas cards went out yesterday, thank goodness, but I still have several presents to buy. Davey still cries most of his waking hours and after a few days of only waking two times at night(!!!), he didn't really sleep <i><b>at all</b></i> last night and I'm feeling a bit worn. I had planned to write a gift guide for friends/family who have had losses and even lined up a few great giveaways, but it just never came together in time. I'll still write it and there will still be great giveaways, just sometime in January...or February...or whenever.<br />
<br />
<b>The good thing about Christmas though is that it comes whether we are ready or not.</b> We all need Christ in our lives, even if we don't know it or haven't prepared for Him, and perhaps He comes more for those who are unprepared than anyone else. That's not to say that we shouldn't ready our hearts and our lives for His return, because that's definitely part of what Advent is about. But if you never got around to lighting the Advent candles even once (but I got them out! That counts for something, right?) because you're busy serving His kingdom in other ways (*ahem* nursing and changing the diapers of one of the precious children He loves so much), Christmas <i>and it's joy</i> are still coming for you just the same, as long as you allow yourself to see that joy despite the earthly imperfections of the celebration.<br />
<br />
Last year, I felt equally unprepared for Christmas, though for much different reasons. I'd just had my fourth consecutive miscarriage less than a week before. I was feeling sick and tired and heartbroken. But Christmas came anyway and there was joy in it even though I didn't feel it at the time. Mostly I felt the pain and heartache of my losses, the absence of the babies would who be celebrating their first Christmas and the babies who would have been still in my womb.<br />
<br />
Even though I get to celebrate a special little son's first Christmas this year, I still keenly feel the absence of the two others who would be celebrating their first Christmas and the two who would be celebrating their second. I miss them. It's much easier to feel the joy, but the heartache is still there too. This is what "bittersweet" feels like.<br />
<br />
Anyway, what a difference a year makes. Last year, I shared on the blog <a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2014/12/christmas-newsletter.html" target="_blank"><i>the Christmas newsletter I didn't send</i></a> because we had no good news to share<i>. </i>This year we did send a Christmas letter because we had lots of good news to share. (And we received more cards than ever, starting very early in the Christmas season! It was a good year all around!) I didn't write everything I wanted to write. I wanted to share that we'd made it through two more due dates. I wanted to sign the names of all our children on the card. But I didn't. Because not everyone we send cards to knows about our losses and, for some, I'd like to keep it that way. And because there is a part of me that want to be "normal" again, that wants to pretend like those losses never happen and know what it's like to just send out a Christmas letter with only happy things to share. Of course, we can never go back to what it was like before our losses and I think they've changed us is both negative and positive ways, but sometimes it's nice to purposely forget for a while.<br />
<br />
Without further ado, here is our Christmas letter 2015 (with just a few edits from the version we sent out to maintain some privacy):<br />
<br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Dear family and
friends,</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2015 was a big year for us! In June, we
moved back to Colorado. We greatly miss the friends we left in North Carolina,
especially our communities at our parish and David’s school, but are grateful
to be back near family. </span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>David found a job as a Field Application
Scientist at a small company in the area. He is enjoying the
opportunity to be back in the lab and his new job requires him to travel. </span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our son, David Newton Richards, Jr., was
born on November 11. He made quite the (quick) entrance and was delivered by
his daddy in the car! Despite the circumstances, both baby and mama were
perfectly healthy. Little Davey was baptized on November 22 in the same parish
where Lucia was baptized and we were married. We are delighting in our baby
boy. Lulu loves being a big sister and spends the majority of her days kissing
and cuddling him. </span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lucia turned four on December 5. She’s a
very active girl who rarely keeps still! She is interested in learning to write
and loves to dance and do crafts. She keeps busy in a ballet/tap class and
gymnastics. </span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have also gotten involved in activities
in our new community. David joined the Knights of Columbus at our parish and Mandi
is part of a Catholic moms’ group. We’ve especially enjoyed rejoining our
friends in the Catholic couples group we attended here previously.</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are currently under contract to buy our
first home! If everything goes well, we’ll be closing at the end of January. </span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This year, we also welcomed a new niece
and attended the wedding of Mandi’s best friend and the Church wedding of
David’s cousin. Lulu was a flower girl twice!</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been a year of great blessings for
us and we hope it has been the same for you and your family. We pray that God
bless you this holiday season and in the new year to come!</span></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEtpFGgnl7gDcQCAr51dwmcDOt3XTTYt6NHpWlVhAwASpFQBzMpstS1VqfD3Wsg2plftOzsBzdzznqf_8sGI7FD08MZPBi7XAe3CBT8K9sU2c7WvbPFrHBy-zjCewERV27lCwrprDaPaFX/s1600/20151118-EC9A7451.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEtpFGgnl7gDcQCAr51dwmcDOt3XTTYt6NHpWlVhAwASpFQBzMpstS1VqfD3Wsg2plftOzsBzdzznqf_8sGI7FD08MZPBi7XAe3CBT8K9sU2c7WvbPFrHBy-zjCewERV27lCwrprDaPaFX/s640/20151118-EC9A7451.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">With
love,</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">David,
Mandi, Lucia, and Davey</span></i></div>
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Photo by <a href="http://dandylittlelensphotography.com/" target="_blank">Dandy Little Lens Photography</a>Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-83906298834984545412015-12-14T09:48:00.001-08:002015-12-14T09:48:42.072-08:00Thoughts One Month LaterMy son is a month old now. He doesn't sleep more than two hours at a time, so I'm the most exhausted I've ever been. When he's awake, he cries <i>a lot</i> and needs to be held constantly so I can't get much done. The toilets and shower desperately need a scrubbing. Between leaking through 50% of the diapers he wears, spitting up frequently, and my own (breast milk) leakages, I just can't keep up with the laundry. My chronic back pain has been at its worst from bending over to change diapers and hunching over breastfeeding. I look incredibly frumpy with no time to get myself ready and very little clothes that fit. And...I'm the happiest I've ever been.<br />
<br />
Two weeks after little Davey was born, David mentioned that I'd laughed more those two weeks than I had in the previous two years. That sounds about right. The past few years have been difficult. Aside from the grief of our losses and the depression that came with my pregnancy, we were struggling with a lot of fertility decisions - Do we try to conceive again? Should I have surgery? Do we need a break? Can I keep trying? Will we ever have a living child? What do we want to do? What is God asking us to do? It was incredibly stressful. And for the time being, that stress is lifted. We have the incredible joy of our baby boy and we don't have to think about fertility for a long while yet, so we can just enjoy this time.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvJ5upwgyQqxZjbEIh8FNbe3aKvRYxEW5WYb2GCoNGG3TJVxvY4UHXrxoQxKfiDohASlxac7DPKE1JmT4V48IemY9F0_Ht3KNb-of-YBX9l759aFOgajMrTunarHn4jBEDThuzQppD2QRv/s1600/davey+1+month.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvJ5upwgyQqxZjbEIh8FNbe3aKvRYxEW5WYb2GCoNGG3TJVxvY4UHXrxoQxKfiDohASlxac7DPKE1JmT4V48IemY9F0_Ht3KNb-of-YBX9l759aFOgajMrTunarHn4jBEDThuzQppD2QRv/s640/davey+1+month.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Davey's One Month Photo</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-38276667319783047272015-12-01T11:13:00.001-08:002015-12-01T11:13:28.409-08:00David's Birth Story, or How Having a Baby in a Car Was the Unexpected Answer to My PrayersLet's start this story at the very beginning. I'm 99.9% certain that my real due date (based on conception) was November 1. Every ultrasound I had during the pregnancy (and I had many) showed the baby measuring right on for a November 1 due date <i>except </i>the ultrasound that my doctor used to date the pregnancy, which gave me a November 6 due date. I was completely fine with going by the November 6 due date though because my daughter, Lucia, was late and I expected this baby to be late too, so it seemed that it would be likely that the baby would be born around November 6.<br />
I started have contractions on October 29. They were Braxton Hicks contractions, very light and not at all regular, but were consistent in that they would appear every afternoon, come and go throughout the evening, then completely stop when I went to bed. When I was pregnant with Lucia, I hadn't had a contraction of any kind until I went into labor so I thought that these contractions signified that I would be going into labor somewhat soon. Maybe not that day or the next, but within the next several days or a week.<br />
<br />
But November 1 and November 6 came and went and I still hadn't gone into labor. In fact, I stopped feeling contractions at all around November 4th which was a bit discouraging because it felt like my body had been gearing up for labor and then...nothing, like I was moving even further away from having my baby. Lucia had been eight days late and I hadn't been anxious at all for her to be born. As my first pregnancy, I had expected to be about a week late. But this time, I could finally understand what so many pregnant women meant when they would talk about being<i> </i>just <i>done</i> with being pregnant. I was still feeling pretty decent physically - just tired, so tired - but emotionally, I was more than ready to have the baby. After nine months of almost constant fear and anxiety, I needed to see and hold my baby and know that all was well. Or that all was not well, but just to know.<br />
<br />
On November 11, I started feeling just <i>off </i>not long after getting up. I was really nauseous and was experiencing a constant, strong, dull pain in my stomach. I had felt a similar pain for short periods of time previously and it seemed to be caused by the baby lying right in the front of my stomach (facing my back - the optimal birth position). It felt like the baby was pushing straight out of my belly button and the pain was coming from so much outward pressure. I have no idea if that was the actual cause, but the baby was indeed right there in front. Thankfully, it was Veteran's Day and my mom works in a bank so she had the day off. She watched Lucia for me while I took a shower and laid in bed most of the morning. (Side note: We live with my parents.)<br />
<br />
Around noon my mom was leaving to take the dog to be groomed and run some errands and she planned to take Lucia with her. Shortly before she left, I sent David a text asking him if it would be a big deal if he came home early from work and then I ended up not going into labor. I had previously been determined that I would not ask him to come home until I was having very obvious<i> baby is coming </i>contractions, but I was just feeling so awful and emotional and really just wanted him with me. I sent him a text saying "I feel like crying." He asked why and I could only respond that it must be hormones, which made him think that this really had to be early labor.<br />
<br />
After my mom and Lucia left, I was able to fall asleep until David got home. He came home very excited, thinking we were going to be having a baby that day only to find me feeling....absolutely normal. The pain was gone, the nausea was gone, no desire to cry anymore. Just normal. And frustrated.<br />
<br />
I rested for a little while longer and then we decided to go for a walk. As we were walking, I was having a very angry conversation with God in my head. I told Him I was tired and I was angry that after going through so many miscarriages and a very emotionally difficult pregnancy, He couldn't at least give me at least the consolation of the baby coming on time. Why was He making me suffer longer? A little later on in the walk, I calmed down a bit and spoke to God again, apologizing for my (silent, in my head) outburst and acknowledging that there are far worse things than being pregnant a little longer with the healthy baby for whom I had prayed.<br />
<br />
While we were walking, my mom and Lucia came home. Halfway through our walk, we stopped in the house to tell my mom what was going on (or what wasn't going on, as it were). She, of course, was excited because she saw David's truck in the driveway and assumed that he had come home because I was in labor. After telling her that was not the case, we finished our walk. Still no contractions.<br />
<br />
My mom started dinner - tomato bisque - but then had to leave to take Lucia to gymnastics before she could get everything in the pot, so David took over. I stayed in the kitchen as David cooked and organized the spices in one of the cabinets.I was feeling perfectly normal, even by non-pregnancy standards, and I definitely was not feeling like baby would be coming anytime soon.<br />
<br />
My mom and Lucia came home around 5 and not long after, while I was sitting on the couch waiting for the soup to finish, I felt a POP. The midwife broke my water well into labor with Lucia to speed up the process so I hadn't experienced what it was like to have my water break but I immediately suspected that's what happened. I went to the bathroom to check and there was a large amount of yellowish mucus. I couldn't tell if my water had broken yet, but I went back to the bathroom several times over the next ten minutes and there was clearly a yellowish liquid dripping. Since the fluid wasn't clear, I decided to call my midwife immediately. We spoke for about ten minutes. She said that yellow amniotic fluid was fine but let me know what colors to look out for. I told her I hadn't had any contractions yet, but that I was having a dull cramping in my lower abdomen. I don't remember all we talked about but I do very clearly remember her asking if I was ready to have a baby and I answered that yes, I'd been ready for a while! She told me to call her back around 8:30 to check in but otherwise just to rest and wait for contractions to start. At this point it was 5:30. My water had broken at 5:10.<br />
<br />
Almost immediately after I hung up the phone, contractions started. David had downloaded a contraction timer on his phone already, so he started timing them right away. They were very close together - only about 1 minute 45 seconds apart! But they were very weak. I could talk through them easily. They were noticeable, but not painful. Sometime around the time I started having contractions, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I called David into the bathroom and told him that we would definitely be having a baby soon. <br />
<br />
David continued to time my contractions as I laid on the couch and watched "Family Feud" and he went to our room to pack the last minute items in our bag for the birth center. They were consistently 1 minute 45 seconds apart so he asked if I thought he should call the midwife back and let her know. I wasn't sure. Yes, the contractions were close together but they still weren't strong. But we decided he should call anyway. The midwife told us we should head in.<br />
<br />
I helped David finish packing and had to pause often because my contractions were getting stronger. Lucia started to cry when I had contractions because I was moaning through them, which scared her. It was so hard to say goodbye to her while she was still crying because I wanted to comfort her, but I knew staying longer and having more contractions would just make her more upset. As we were leaving, my mom asked, "Aren't you going to have dinner before you go?" since the soup was now done, but it was clear that we really needed to leave. I did have David get a container full of soup for himself though so he could eat while I was laboring at the birth center.<br />
<br />
David and I walked out the door around 6pm. My contractions continued to get stronger, but I assumed that I still had four or five hours to go before pushing. Clearly if I could stop and wait for David to scoop up some soup to take with us, I wasn't in that much pain and didn't think the baby was coming very soon. The intensity of the contractions were nothing compared to the last several hours of contractions during Lucia's labor. The midwives and nurses at the birth center had all said that second labors were usually around half the length of the first and I was in labor for a little over 14 hours with Lucia, so seven hours seemed to be a likely length. The drive to the birth center was 35 to 40 minutes and I never had any doubt that we'd have plenty of time to get there.<br />
<br />
But about ten minutes after we left, the contractions had gotten much more painful, the downward pressure was very intense, and I felt a strong urge to push. I started repeating, "Jesus, I trust you. Jesus, I trust you," through each contraction but it quickly became just, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus," or "I trust, I trust, I trust." I realized that this baby was probably coming sooner rather than later but still assumed I had some time ahead of me, at least enough time to make it to the birth center. <br />
<br />
And then I found myself pushing. Well, not pushing exactly, or at least not intentionally pushing, but I felt the downward pressure pushing the baby down. I told David he had to pull over. We weren't going to make it. He got the midwife on the phone and pulled over into the nearest parking lot, in front of a Kohl's. This was around 6:20. The midwife thought we could still make it, we were only 15 minutes away. But I was insistent - there was no way, the baby was coming, and we needed to call 911. The midwife (or one of the nurses at the birth center there with her) called 911 for us so David could stay on the phone with her. David put her on speaker phone. She asked if I could reach down and see if I could feel the baby's head. So I reached down and I did feel something hard that I assumed must be the head just inside the vaginal opening.<br />
<br />
At this point, David got out of the driver's seat and came around to my side of the car and by the time he opened my door, the head was out! I don't remember what the midwife told David to do, but she told me to take a deep breath and give one good push to birth the rest of my baby. So I did. At 6:25 pm, David caught our baby and as he was raising it to my chest we noticed immediately that it was a boy. Our son! David, Jr! He was covered in meconium, but cried immediately and seemed to be perfectly healthy. David put his pea coat over both of us and then I asked him to go into our bags in the backseat and get something softer to wrap our baby in. David found his robe and covered the baby. It was dark and a cold night and our biggest concern was keeping him warm.<br />
<br />
An ambulance and other emergency vehicles arrived a few minutes later. They brought us blankets, checked little David out quickly, and then helped get us out of the car onto a gurney and into the very wonderfully warm ambulance. We had originally hoped to be taken to the birth center but the EMTs said they felt more comfortable taking us to the closest hospital just five minutes away because it was so cold that little David had a lower than desirable temperature and he was covered in meconium so they wanted to make sure he hadn't aspirated any of it. We decided to just head to the hospital. David drove the car while the baby and I headed over in the ambulance. After the cord stopped pulsing, the umbilical cord was cut in the ambulance.<br />
<br />
When we arrived at the hospital, we went straight to the labor and delivery floor where there was staff awaiting us. From there, everything was pretty normal, or at least what I assume is fairly normal in a hospital birth. They checked little David over a bit more than perhaps is usual but he never left my room. He was perfectly healthy and his temperature went back up to normal quickly. It took a while (almost and hour and half after birth, I think) for the placenta to be delivered and both that and the few stitches I needed were definitely the most painful part of the whole labor and delivery, just like I remember them being with Lucia's birth experience.<br />
<br />
After that, we were left alone pretty quickly. I was able to make a call to the new big sister and my parents to let them know we'd just had a baby in the car, David called the rest of our families, and I was able to just nurse and cuddle my little son. A couple hours later, my parents and Lucia came to see us for a short time. We stayed the night in the hospital and left the next afternoon. <br />
<br />
Looking back on my labor and discussing it with my midwife, there really weren't any signs that my labor would be that quick and there really wasn't any way we would have made it to the birth center in time. I had contractions for less than an hour before David was born, so we would have had to have left almost immediately after they had started and at the time, there was no indication that we should. <br />
<br />
But I'm really, truly happy with how it all turned out. I believe having our son in the car was an answer to so many prayers. I would have never planned it (and I don't necessarily suggest it) but I truly can't complain about a fairly painless childbirth that lasted less than an hour. Baby and I are both healthy and I've had a much easier recovery this time around. And probably most importantly, all<a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2015/10/ora-et-labora-preparing-for-birth.html" target="_blank"> the fears I had about labor being emotionally difficult</a> were moot because it was so fast I didn't have much time to think about anything but having a baby. Nothing went as planned. I wasn't birthing in a dark room with the light of candles, there was no diffuser with calming essential oils, and the Marian statue I bought specifically for the occasion stayed in our bag in the backseat. We didn't pray the rosary or over the intentions I had collected for labor. But it was even better than I planned - truly the most peaceful, joyful, healing birth I could imagine. <br />
<br />
The main downside about the whole thing was that our car was left looking like a crime scene. But even that isn't nearly as bad as it could be. Our car is currently getting a new seat cushion and carpet in a shop that specializes in biological messes in vehicles while we drive a rental car. And our car insurance is covering everything but our deductible (and it's going to be over $2,000!). Since it wasn't a collision, our insurance payments won't even go up. Seriously, an hour long labor is worth paying our deductible.<br />
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Here are a few pictures of little David's first few hours, all taken once we got to the hospital. They're mostly duplicates of the pictures I shared in his birth announcement post, but they're all I've got.<br />
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David Newton, Jr.</div>
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November 11, 2015 6:25pm </div>
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7 lbs. 12 oz. 20.25 inches </div>
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I did not look like this after my 14 hour labor with Lucia. My hair isn't matted! I'm not sweaty and exhausted!</div>
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David, Jr. with his daddy, the man who delivered him!</div>
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Meeting big sis, who came bearing gifts.</div>
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If you want to read Lucia's very different birth story, <a href="http://catholicnewlywed.blogspot.com/2013/06/lucias-birth-story.html" target="_blank">you can do so here</a>. Oh, and Kate of <a href="http://sanctanomina.net/" target="_blank">Sancta Nomina</a> posted a birth announcement for David where I share a little about his name and ask for nickname suggestions. <a href="http://sanctanomina.net/2015/11/17/birth-announcement-david-newton-jr/" target="_blank">You can read it here</a>.Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-63319376934914024922015-11-13T10:57:00.000-08:002016-01-13T14:43:40.909-08:00It is with great joy...<br />
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that I announce the birth of our son, David Newton, Jr., on November 11, 2015 at 6:25pm. 7 lbs 12 oz and 20.25 inches. He was delivered by his daddy in our car. An ambulance arrived a few minutes later and we were taken to the closest hospital. All of us are healthy and doing well. It was certainly a crazy birth, but in many ways his unconventional entrance seems like a very unexpected answer to so many of our prayers.<br />
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We came home yesterday and are learning what it's like to be a family of four. Big sis Lucia is especially very enamored and protective of "little brudder". Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our family throughout this pregnancy, we are so grateful!</div>
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Birth story to come. In the meantime, here are some pictures of little David's first few days.</div>
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-28195345775476050542015-11-05T15:40:00.001-08:002015-11-05T15:40:33.861-08:00Impatience and Gratitude<div style="text-align: left;">
For a woman who is struggling with infertility or loss, it often can be very difficult to hear pregnant women complain about their pregnancies. Even if it's not truly complaining but simply discussing the aches and pains of pregnancy, it can sound like a lack of gratitude. However, the physical and emotional tolls of pregnancy are real. How does one balance acknowledging the struggles of pregnancy with gratitude for the child the pregnancy brings?</div>
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Our baby is much desired and much loved, coming after a very difficult time of loss after loss. I am deeply thankful for this child and for the ability to carry a pregnancy to term. And yet these past several weeks have still been filled with exhaustion, discomfort, and pain. The joy of our child and pregnancy certainly allow me to view this suffering in a more positive light, however, it doesn't mute it. The sleepless nights, the back and hip pain, the headaches, the searing heartburn, etc, etc, etc. are all still there. And yet acknowledging those physical burdens makes me feel guilty. I've never once thought that our baby isn't worth the pain, but even admitting that there <i>is </i>pain somehow seems wrong.</div>
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My "official" due date is tomorrow, though I think that my real due date passed last weekend. This end time has been much more difficult than I expected. My daughter was 8 days "late" and I was really calm and patient until she arrived. I'm much more uncomfortable this time, but also emotionally much more anxious. I never worried during my first pregnancy, never considered that a pregnancy would - or even could, really - end with anything other than a healthy, living child. This time is different. It's not that I've expected that something would go wrong, but every moment I've been aware that something very well <i>could </i>go wrong. And so, as I reach the very end of this pregnancy, the urgency seemed heightened. I've made it this far - nine months! - and I'm just so, so very anxious to finally reach the finish line. Each day that goes by seems like an eternity. </div>
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And yet, both the baby and I are healthy. While I'm certainly tired and uncomfortable and in a bit of pain, I'm overall feeling well for nine months pregnant. It seems so greedy to ask or pray for the baby to come now instead of waiting patiently. I've already gotten nine months of a healthy pregnancy, something so many women pray and plead for. Why can't I suffer a little more? Why can't I enjoy the time I have left? Why must I want more? </div>
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-82677341767334129452015-10-22T08:20:00.001-07:002015-10-22T08:20:16.348-07:00Choosing Joy: Baby PoolI've noticed as this pregnancy has progressed that I've often had to consciously <i>choose </i>joy. And a lot of the things that have brought me joy for this baby and pregnancy have been the "normal" pregnancy things - things like baby showers and maternity photos. They're pretty hard to embrace at first and there are those little alarms that go off in the back of my mind. ("Well, what if you end up losing the baby, won't this just make it more painful?" "Why are you celebrating already, nothing to celebrate <i>yet</i>.") But by forcing myself to ignore those nagging thoughts, I've regained some of the normalcy of pregnancy. I've been able to celebrate and be the glowing mother-to-be and share in the joy of this baby with my friends. That is a gift.<br />
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So, in the spirit of joyfully celebrating our upcoming baby and because I'm just about two weeks out from my due date, I'm hosting a baby pool where you can guess the baby's sex, weight, length, birthday, etc. <a href="http://www.expectnet.com/games/joyfulguesses" target="_blank">Click here</a> or on the banner below or on the sidebar to go to the website that fancily will tally up all your scores and come up with a winner.<br />
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<a href="http://www.expectnet.com/logingame.php?game_name=joyfulguesses" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.expectnet.com/146411/0644e2a9/banner1.png" /></a></div>
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This <a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2015/08/penumbra-baby-28-week-bumpdate.html" target="_blank">pregnancy has been pretty different</a> from Lucia's, but in case you'd like a frame of reference, she was 8lbs even, 19.75 inches long, and born eight days "late" at 2:53pm.<br />
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And because games aren't fun without prizes, I will offer the winner her choice of <a href="http://www.lillarose.biz/mandi" target="_blank">Lilla Rose hair accessories</a> from my business (up to $20) and a baby hat knitted by yours truly in the color of choice. Good luck!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">hats I knitted for our baby, currently awaiting their owner</td></tr>
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Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-66535947634461602692015-10-19T19:57:00.000-07:002015-10-19T19:57:11.996-07:00Ora et Labora: Preparing for BirthI'm 37 weeks pregnant. My midwife appointments are weekly now. We've started to prepare in earnest for the arrival of baby - washing the last of the newborn clothes and blankets, setting up the crib, and organizing cloth diapers. The birth center where I hopefully will deliver the baby requests that I pack my bags by 37 weeks, which has got me thinking about the impending labor and birth.<br />
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I've never been one to worry about or dread labor. I was perfectly calm and confident going into the birth of my first child. I'm sure much of that calmness came from naivete but I also trusted my body. Everything went smoothly and I have nothing but good memories of my first birth experience. It's not that it wasn't painful. It was. Or that it wasn't hard work. It was. It's just that everything went exactly how nature intended. It was a beautiful birth experience and didn't leave me with any reason to dread future labors or births. (You can read <a href="http://catholicnewlywed.blogspot.com/2013/06/lucias-birth-story.html" target="_blank">Lucia's birth story here</a>.)<br />
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I'm not anxious about the physical aspects of birth this time either. Though multiple miscarriages shattered the confidence I had in my body's ability to protect and nurture my child in the womb, I have no reason to believe that my body isn't fully capable of giving birth. I am, however, quite apprehensive about the emotional aspects of birth.<br />
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After my first miscarriage, when I was very early along with our third child (who would not long after become our second loss), I attended a friend's birth. It was a lovely, beautiful birth and I was very honored to be a part of it. But, it was also very emotionally traumatizing. After the birth, I sobbed for twelve hours straight. Seeing that birth, perhaps especially because it was so beautiful, reminded me of what I would never have the with the child I lost. I would never be able to labor to bring him forth into this world. I would never get to hold him or touch him or see what he looked like. It wasn't until watching that birth that I realized how much we had truly lost. We lost a whole lifetime with our child and just the thought of missing that very first snippet of that life - just the pregnancy, labor and birth - was overwhelming in itself.<br />
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Many people have commented on how healing this pregnancy and the upcoming birth must be for me. That hasn't been my experience so far. I'm hoping that the birth will be healing, but I'm also preparing myself for the very feasible possibility that it will be the opposite, or most likely a combination of both. Every milestone and notable moment of this pregnancy that would have otherwise brought great joy has instead brought grief, reminding me of what I will never be able to experience with four of my children. I have wanted so badly to focus on the joy and <i>these </i>moments with <i>this </i>child instead of the lost moments with our other children. I desire so greatly to just be able to enjoy the present, but I feel constantly haunted by the past. It's not for lack of trying, but I just can't seem to find a way to consciously make it happen.<br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">When I think about what I want from my upcoming birth, all I want is to be able to bond with my baby and focus on the
beauty of his birth without it being completely overshadowed by the
pain of previous losses. I know there is no way to completely block out the grief, pain, or memories of our other children, I just don't want those emotions to be the dominant ones. I don't want to look back on our child's birth and only remember the trauma and pain. After all, this birth is not about me but about my child and I don't want my baby's entry into this world to be completely obscured by the death of his siblings. My child deserves to be recognized and acknowledged for his individual blessings and beauty to this world, and to have his birth be a joyful event all its own. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">Aside from packing my bag (which I still haven't done...) with items to take care of my physical needs during and after birth, I'm also preparing in various ways for the emotional aspects of birth. Here's how:</span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show"><b>First and foremost, prayer.</b> I'm especially leaning on the prayers of others. A dear friend (and baby's future godmother) gave me a lovely baby blessing and sprinkle this past weekend and the prayers of the friends that came mean so very much for me. In addition to offering prayers for me there, each woman gave a bead that will become a bracelet that I'll wear while I'm in labor to remember all the people praying for me. They also each took a candle home to light while after they are notified that I'm in labor as a reminder to pray for me. How beautiful is that? To read more about a <a href="http://www.catholicmissionaryfamily.com/2013/10/a-catholic-birth-blessing-party.html" target="_blank">Catholic baby blessing, this post</a> includes everything we did and the prayers that were said.</span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">I'm also planning to take<b> the prayer intentions of others</b> in to the birth center with me<b>. </b>So if you have an intention that you would like me to pray for, especially if it's related to pregnancy, loss, or infertility, <i><b>please</b></i> leave it in the comments. I would be honored to pray for you. I'll compile them all into a document to print off and bring in with me.</span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show"><b>Sacramentals and visuals</b>, like the beautiful matching rosaries my husband and I have, the Marian statue I recently bought especially to bring to the birth, and my images of Our Lady of Guadalupe (whom I have a strong devotion to) will be accompanying us to the birth. I wish I had an image of Saints Zelie and Louis Martin to bring in as well since I have entrusted the baby and my pregnancy to their care, but since they are newly canonized, there isn't much out there of them yet. Maybe I have time to still order something though...</span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show"><a href="https://www.youngliving.org/hansen622" target="_blank">Young Living Independent Distributor Jennifer Anne Hansen</a> sent me Lavender and Peace & Calm <b>essential oils</b> to use during labor. I consider them to be for both the physical and emotional aspects of birth and am super excited that each birth room already has a diffuser. </span><br />
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I've also been spending a lot of time recently trying to <b>connect with the babies we lost</b>. I've been talking to them and referring to them <a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2015/04/naming-miscarried-baby.html" target="_blank">by name</a> (something that is very difficult for me), thinking about what it would be like if they were living now, and grieving the milestones we missed. The first baby we lost, Francis, would be 17 months, and Julian would we 13 months, both most likely walking and talking. The most recent babies we lost, Adrienne and Christian, would be three and four months old, just exiting the newborn stage.My hope is that by fully acknowledging and grieving their losses now, the pain will be a little less later, making more room for the joy of our baby on the way.<br />
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And that's all I've got right now. Any moms who've been in a similar emotional situation during a pregnancy after loss have advice for me? How was your labor and birth? What can I do to prepare emotionally?<br />
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<br />Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-87660625811153892832015-10-15T19:22:00.001-07:002015-10-15T19:25:06.137-07:00RemembranceSaturday was the second anniversary of my first miscarriage. It was a rough day. We were spending the weekend at my in-laws so there wasn't any sort of ritual or remembrance; but we were busy with family all day and in the end, I think that was probably the best way it could have been spent. Had we still lived in North Carolina, we would have continued <a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2015/05/francis.html" target="_blank">our family tradition</a> of honoring our baby by daily Mass, visiting the cemetery, and then an afternoon at the beach. (The cemetery was about an hour and a half away on the way to the beach. When my husband buried our baby, our priest mentioned that making a beach day of visiting the grave could be beautiful family tradition. And it really was.) We tried to go to daily Mass but none of the parishes close to my in-laws had one on Saturday mornings. In absence of a grave or beach to visit, keeping busy was the best way to distract me from the pain of the day.<br />
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Many people assume that these anniversaries are less painful because I'm currently nine months pregnant. And yes, in many ways, the joy of the child in my womb blunts the pain. But in other ways, this pregnancy has added a sharpness to the pain of these remembrances. Each milestone I reach in this pregnancy, each baby kick, each midwife appointment and heartbeat heard is a reminder of what I'll never get to experience with four of my children.<br />
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Two years and a healthy pregnancy later, the pain is still not gone. Yes, life goes on and we've found ways to experience joy again. But thoughts of our children will always remain. We'll always be aware that they are not here, that there are four souls missing from our family. That's why days like today, Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day, are important. Because they validate the desire to remember. When the rest of the world has forgotten and expects us to forget too, a day like today reminds us that remembrance is important, it is good, it is necessary.<br />
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Every night I pray for parents who have lost a baby and for those little souls gone too soon. But today, your intentions were my constant prayer, in all I did and thought and said. May God comfort you in your grief and bring healing and fruit from your suffering. <br />
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<br />Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-9700417659748043552015-10-06T10:54:00.002-07:002015-10-06T10:56:34.873-07:00Lovely LinksI have a bunch of posts brewing in my head and my blog drafts, but in the meantime I want to share some great articles and blog posts from around the internet. Enjoy!<br />
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<a href="http://catholicexchange.com/meditations-on-the-rosary-and-miscarriage#.VgmKkpCa6sI.facebook" target="_blank">This post about Meditations on the Rosary and Miscarriage</a> is from May but I just stumbled across it the other day. It's beautiful. <br />
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I just saw that <a href="http://www.houseunseen.com/" target="_blank">lovely blogger Dwija</a> just announced a new pregnancy. Which reminded me that during her last pregnancy, I sent her an email asking her how she discerned a pregnancy after the loss of her son, Nicholas, at 21 weeks gestation. She wrote a beautiful reply and then later posted on her blog. I don't think I've ever shared it here and it's really worth a read. <a href="http://www.houseunseen.com/2013/12/pregnancy-after-loss-my-discernment.html" target="_blank">You can find it here</a>.<br />
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I found this article on <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/leanne-bryan/miscarriage-cards_b_8235882.html" target="_blank">The Strange New World of 'Miscarriage Cards'</a> to be an interesting read. I'm not sure really where I stand on this. On one hand I agree with the author that "There are already sympathy and congratulations cards out there - there
are blank cards, vehicles for truly personal and targeted messages
thought out by the sender. The whole prospect of sending a card is
surely to connect and relate; with these cards, I worry this is already
done for you." On the other hand, I think the fact that those cards exist and will be sitting in the greeting card aisle may help people think more deeply about sending a card, or even just acknowledging a loss in a first place, than if they never saw a card specifically for miscarriage. If there is a greeting card for it, then it must be important, right? What do you think?<br />
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I loved the honesty in this post about <a href="http://www.sobremesastories.com/when-pregnancy-feels-underwhelming-an-honest-confession/" target="_blank">When Pregnancy Feels Underwhelming</a>. Feeling less than thrilled about a pregnancy does not mean you're a bad mother or that you don't love your child or value life. Pregnancy is complicated. There is no one right way to act or think as a pregnant woman. Period.<br />
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A reader sent me a<a href="http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/09202015-inspiring-family-photo-will-change-how-you-heal-from-loss/?scid=fb_wall_us" target="_blank"> link to this beautiful family photo</a> along with the comment: "I saw this and thought of you and your post about the penumbra pregnancy. I love that term!" It's an image I'll never forget.<br />
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Most engaged couples probably don't think about the possibilities of infertility and miscarriage in their future, but they would be wise to acknowledge that there will be suffering of some sort or another. And, as <a href="http://www.catholicwifecatholiclife.com/can-suffer-person/" target="_blank">this post</a> points out, perhaps the most important question you should ask as you discern marriage is <a href="http://www.catholicwifecatholiclife.com/can-suffer-person/" target="_blank">"Can I suffer with this person?"</a><br />
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P.S. My "due date" is exactly a month from today and I'd love some prayers as labor and birth approach. David will be out of town for work next week so prayers that the baby doesn't come then would be especially appreciated since I don't have an alternative labor support person if David can't be there. Thanks! <br />
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<br />Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-90313292714527627842015-09-30T07:51:00.000-07:002015-10-01T20:01:42.652-07:00The Child Lives: Wisdom from Mother Angelica (and some beautiful free printables)When searching the internet for Catholic prayers and advice following a miscarriage, it's no mistake that one of the first things most people come across is this beautiful piece:<br />
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<i>My Lord, the baby is dead! </i></div>
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<i>Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord? </i></div>
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<i>“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.” </i></div>
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<i>I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. </i></div>
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<i>-- Mother M. Angelica</i></div>
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What beauty and truth that short piece contains! What consolation! What wisdom! <br />
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My generous and talented friend, Kendra Tierney (blogger at <a href="http://www.catholicallyear.com/" target="_blank">Catholic All Year</a>) made a few printables from this lovely prayer and offered them to me to share with my readers. They would make a lovely image of remembrance in your home or a gift for a friend after a loss. I received a beautiful framed print of Jeremiah 1:5 ("Before I formed you in the womb...) from a friend following my second loss and it is a very cherished piece to me.<br />
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<i>These printables are free for you to save and print. To download the high resolution image to your computer, click on it to bring it up in a new window, then right click on it to save it to your computer. You can then print them yourself or upload them to a print shop or website to have them printed in more professional quality. As with <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/kendratierney/printable-prayers/" target="_blank">all the beautiful printable</a>s that Kendra offers, they are only for personal use or to give as gifts. If you use them on your own blog, please link back to this blog post or Kendra's blog, <a href="http://www.catholicallyear.com/" target="_blank">Catholic All Year</a>. Kendra also offers customized printables of the prayer, quote, poem, etc. of your choice for only $10 so if you have another prayer, quote (or perhaps maybe the names of the child(ren) you lost) you'd like to hang in remembrance of your child, she's your gal. <a href="https://app.passionfruitads.com/carts/new?items=56489" target="_blank">Click here</a> to purchase your own commissioned printable.</i><br />
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Thank you so much, Kendra, for your generosity in sharing these beautiful images.<br />
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<br />Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-59574213155746776712015-09-25T05:50:00.000-07:002015-09-25T07:27:38.604-07:00My Pregnancy After Loss EssentialsWhat have I reached for to get me through this pregnancy? What are some gifts to send friends that are struggling with a pregnancy after loss? I've received several similar questions recently, so here are a few of the things that I've loved this pregnancy:<br />
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<b>1. Pampering products:</b> Taking the time to care for myself has been absolutely necessary this pregnancy. When I'm not pregnant, I really am not big into pampering myself, but it's the little things that have made a difference during the past several months - relaxing baths, scented candles, soothing lotions.<br />
<b>Gift ideas:</b> I can't recommend the products from <a href="http://www.bumblewoodhandmade.com/" target="_blank">Bumblewood Handmade</a> enough (and owner Meg is wonderful!). I also adore <a href="http://www.shop.immaculatewaters.com/" target="_blank">Immaculate Waters</a>, lotions and soaps made from Lourdes Grotto Water!<br />
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<b>2. Cute maternity clothes: </b>It sounds a little silly to say this out loud but when I feel physically beautiful during this pregnancy, it's much easier to feel internally joyful about the upcoming baby. So having a few favorite pieces of maternity clothing has made all the difference for me. A <a href="http://www.carrotsformichaelmas.com/" target="_blank">very sweet friend</a> sent me a ton of adorable maternity clothes, but I've also boosted my maternity wardrobe by shopping local thrift shops and online used clothes stores <a href="https://www.schoola.com/stitch?ref=cp-3X21g4J3Q" target="_blank">Schoola</a>* and <a href="http://www.thredup.com/r/PS5MA0" target="_blank">ThredUp</a>*. (<a href="https://www.schoola.com/stitch?ref=cp-3X21g4J3Q" target="_blank">Schoola </a>is my absolute favorite - I got some designer maternity pieces for under $10!!!) Spending money on maternity clothes (even though it's <b>not </b>a lot of money) also has a deeper significance for me. It means that I'm investing - financially or otherwise - in this pregnancy. Especially early on, it required me to say, <i>I believe I'll be pregnant long enough to wear/need/fit into this clothing</i>. And, it's an investment in future pregnancies, admitting that I believe we might be able to have more successful pregnancies in the future. And admitting those things internally are way more important than looking pretty.<br />
<b>Gift ideas:</b> Gift cards for a place that sells maternity clothes or if you're comfortable picking out something for your friend, a cute new top or dress. If you're feeling particularly generous, <a href="https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/6029759" target="_blank">Stitch Fix credit</a>* would be amazing too. (Apparently <a href="http://letote.com/maternity?refcode=MATERN856" target="_blank">Le Tote</a>* will have a maternity option soon too.) Hand-me-downs definitely feel like gifts to me too, so if you have some maternity clothes you can pass on, do!<br />
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<b>3. Food, prepared by someone else: </b>I'm sure all pregnant women appreciate a break from shopping and cooking, but I've felt that way especially this pregnancy. When anxiety and depression set in, there just isn't a lot of energy available for food prep. Sometimes I think that meals delivered during pregnancy are just as important as meals delivered after the baby! I've been very blessed in that most dinners have been prepared by my sweet husband or my parents (since we live with them). Having one less thing to worry about has been such a blessing:<br />
<b>Gift ideas: </b>Home cooked meals, gift cards for restaurants, or drop off a bag of groceries.<br />
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<b>4. Natural remedies:</b> I don't presume to speak for all moms pregnant after a loss and some of the things I've mentioned may not be your friend's cup of tea, this one especially. I'm just sharing what is meaningful to me, and for me, natural remedies for pregnancy symptoms and discomfort have been great. I tend to avoid medical intervention unless necessary for a few reasons: 1) This pregnancy is already more medicalized than the average. I had four or five ultrasounds by the end of the first trimester. My husband gave me frequent injections for the first few months. I'd just like to avoid feeling like a walking science experiment every second of every day unless it's absolutely necessary. 2) Any additional risk factors from medications make me nervous. They would anyway, but since I already have my own risk factors in pregnancy and I already have proved to be a rare statistic in many ways, the anxiety they produce is intensified. Of course, I'll take any medication that's needed, but when it comes to just dealing with uncomfortable symptoms (like mild nausea, heartburn, etc.), I'd prefer to seek relief from natural remedies.<br />
<b>Gift ideas: </b>I love <a href="http://amzn.to/1JrHlQI" target="_blank">Earth Mama Angel Baby teas</a>** for morning sickness and heartburn and <a href="http://amzn.to/1JrHyTS" target="_blank">magnesium oil</a>** for leg cramps. (Be sure to talk to your midwife/doctor about how much magnesium you're getting because magnesium toxicity is rare, but possible. I'm not a doctor and not offering medical advice here.)<br />
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<b>5. Distractions: </b>Being able to escape for a little while into a hobby (knitting for me), a good book (or coloring book - seriously, coloring is so relaxing!), or a favorite television show (my number one pick is probably jeopardy - geriatric at heart over here!) is so needed. Sometimes it's nice to just be able to stop thinking (worrying) about the pregnancy and put 100% of my attention into something else. I also do this by staying busy around the house with housework. Housework is fine and all, but I'd prefer to stay busy doing something I enjoy too.<br />
<b>Gift ideas:</b> Netflix or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/tryprimefree/?ref_=assoc_tag_ph_1427739975520&_encoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=pf4&tag=abloabomis-20&linkId=SZQ656V33QGHD3C4" target="_blank">Amazon Prime</a>** subscriptions, books, <a href="http://amzn.to/1Vb8zHm" target="_blank">Creative Colouring Books for Grownups</a>**, supplies for your friend's hobbies (yarn for a knitter or crocheter, etc.) or a gift card to a craft store<br />
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<b>6. Cute things for baby: </b>Up until just recently, it was really, really hard for me to buy anything for baby. Because I just couldn't imagine that this pregnancy would end with a living baby that would actually need things. I still can't quite imagine it, but I do need to prepare for baby and since <a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2015/01/creating-space.html" target="_blank">I purged baby things</a> after each miscarriage, there are a few thing a baby will actually <i>need </i>that we don't have. But, even though I've been getting the basics, I still haven't been buying the cutesy things. I can't go there. But I appreciate it so, so much when someone else gives me cute baby things. There hasn't been a lot of joy or excitement expressed for this baby mainly, I'm sure, because friends and family were worried we'd have another loss. I completely understand - I haven't been able to muster much joy myself because of fear and anxiety - but when someone does take the time to buy or make something for baby (or sort their hand-me-downs for us!), it means the world to me.<br />
<b>Gift ideas: </b>Baby clothes, books, toys, hand-me-downs, etc. Cute baby things are easy to find, so you probably don't need any help, though I'm loving <a href="https://www.bisonbooties.com/" target="_blank">Bison Booties</a> and <a href="http://amzn.to/1VeXCPO" target="_blank">these muslin swaddle blankets</a>** as gifts.<br />
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<b>7. Prayer:</b> Prayer has been my constant this pregnancy. I haven't always been able to pray much myself, so I've often depended on the prayers of others (including the Saints) and surrounded myself with visual reminders of prayers, the Catholic faith, and God's love. Some of my favorite items include an amazing St. Gerard chaplet a reader sent to me quite a while ago (there aren't any available in <a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/LoretoGiftShop" target="_blank">her etsy shop</a> right now, but you could probably request she make a custom one) and <a href="http://www.catholiccompany.com/115-inch-color-linnocenceby-bouguereau-statue-i80864/?sli=2019057&aid=1080&new=yes" target="_blank">the new statue</a> we just got for our room (and to bring with us for the birth). <br />
<b>Gift ideas: </b>Catholic books, prayer cards, rosaries or chaplets, medals, or just your sweet prayers. Jenna just posted <a href="http://callherhappy.com/5faves-catholic-jewelry/" target="_blank">some of her favorite Catholic jewelry</a>, which is all so beautiful and would all be so cherished in my home.<br />
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What has helped you during your pregnancy after loss? Did you receive any gifts that were particularly meaningful?</div>
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Joining Kelly for <a href="http://thisaintthelyceum.org/sqt-wmof2015-in-six-miles-and-seven-takes/" target="_blank">7 Quick Takes</a>.</div>
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*Referral links - If you sign up and make a purchase through me, I might get some credit (and you might too). No additional cost to you!<br />
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**Amazon affiliate links - if you purchase anything on Amazon after clicking on these links, I get an itty bitty percentage of your purchase while you pay nothing extra. Thanks for supporting my book habit! Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1776768376583820519.post-26330465255667832372015-09-11T08:50:00.000-07:002015-09-11T08:55:13.515-07:00Life Updates<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I</span></b></div>
<b>Thanks all for the prayers for our baby.</b> I had our <a href="http://ablogaboutmiscarriage.blogspot.com/2015/08/penumbra-baby-28-week-bumpdate.html" target="_blank">follow up ultrasound</a> on Tuesday and baby's enlarged kidney has gotten only slightly worse. Everything else looked great. Apparently it's very common to have an enlarged kidney show up in an ultrasound (something like 1 in 50 pregnancies, from what I've read) and usually it turns out to be nothing. We'll follow up with a pediatric urologist after the baby is born.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>II</b></span></div>
<b>Recently, many friends and family members have been commenting about how I must be a few weeks from my due date/due any time now.</b> Ha ha ha. I'm only 32 weeks today, so apparently this doesn't just feel like an extremely long pregnancy to me but to everyone else as well. Still two full months to go, most likely.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>III</b></span></div>
<b>As for what strangers think, I get a pretty even mix of "I can't believe you're that far along already, you look tiny!" and "Oh my, you're huge already! How can you have two more months?" </b>Which I find kind of hilarious, because I've often gotten those same comments within five minutes of each other so it's can't be chalked up to what I'm wearing that day. What drastically different perceptions people have of what pregnant women are "supposed" to look like at each stage in pregnancy! For the record, I don't think I look "tiny" (I'm short, so that's pretty much impossible in pregnancy - baby can only go out) but I am much smaller than I was with Lucia at this point. And I recently looked at pictures of me at 41 weeks with Lucia and<i> believe me</i>, it can get much, much bigger than this.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhId01hS7iFu9iqqNegaYE21Mok0GJ6V1PGi_6-WDweRsHntaFm0nz1jFXexJsB-2XmqpKUb4gUwBkmyvA2wpHH01EP1VyBRY_vHea4tcRqPh2DrwBmiHd4MJmR1K6kKagUVK2KkmmfA9KG/s1600/IMG_1677.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhId01hS7iFu9iqqNegaYE21Mok0GJ6V1PGi_6-WDweRsHntaFm0nz1jFXexJsB-2XmqpKUb4gUwBkmyvA2wpHH01EP1VyBRY_vHea4tcRqPh2DrwBmiHd4MJmR1K6kKagUVK2KkmmfA9KG/s640/IMG_1677.JPG" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You be the judge. This is after Mass last Sunday - 31 weeks.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>IV</b></span></div>
<b>I loved all the comments and suggestions on my baby name consultation over at <a href="http://sanctanomina.net/2015/09/07/baby-name-consultant-middle-name-for-lucias-sister/" target="_blank">Sancta Nomina</a> (and<a href="https://www.facebook.com/ablogaboutmiscarriage/posts/511296479025504" target="_blank"> the Facebook post</a> where I shared it).</b> We have two middle names that are front runners (including one Kate suggested) and two others that are wildcards (including one that wasn't mentioned in the consultation but one reader suggested in the comments on the Facebook post!) and I think we're just going to wait until the baby is born to decide. If we have a boy, we won't need to worry about it. If we have a girl, it will be fun to save a little bit of the baby naming until the last minute since we've had our boy name chosen before Lucia was even born and our girl's name chosen for at least three or so years. I love thinking and talking about baby names so having some kind of dilemma is fun for me.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>V </b></span></div>
<b>I have a list of things to do before the baby is born</b>. Not much baby related items on it, more of stuff that I figure is easier to do without a newborn to care for. Things like repaint my "sewing table" (it's an old vanity), and recover the stool. Finish (and basically start!) Lucia's baby book. I'm also going to be helping my family go through my grandparents' storage unit and hopefully have a garage sale. And I want to finish knitting a blanket for my niece and then knit one for the baby, along with two hats - one pink and one blue - to bring to the birth center. We're waiting to put up the crib and install the car seat, pack the diaper bag, etc. until October, which still seems so far away.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>VI</b></span></div>
<b>Lucia is such a fun age right now.</b> (For reference, she'll be four in December.) I'm fairly certain I've said that about every age and stage so far - and I don't really think I could pick a favorite age - but she says and does such sweet, hilarious, and oddball things that our days together are always interesting. Her favorite thing to do right now is play "mommy and little girl" (or boy when played with daddy) and her ideas of what moms say and do are so, so funny. I get to be the little girl and she always calls me "little girl" despite me trying to explain that mothers usually call their children by a name. "Little girl, it's time to go to school." "Don't forget your lunchbox, little girl!" I'm fairly certain that her parenting doesn't resemble mine at all, so I'm not sure exactly where she gets her ideas from, but it's very fun(ny) to watch her be a mom. It also makes me super excited to see her interact with the baby since she seems to have some odd ideas of how to care for babies too.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgTa2VhJIvEjDzF1tptytQ9Lk2RDQ9ZLTr0XCJWvzhG5soZUsqcSPZxaFqk5thc5IRytUampc5_oZkQPxVqPJ5kgIA6N0OY9N3taTfkjCyiBYc2dRlY_i8lazWMfiibGfgrEVljJ20xPuB/s1600/IMG_1729.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgTa2VhJIvEjDzF1tptytQ9Lk2RDQ9ZLTr0XCJWvzhG5soZUsqcSPZxaFqk5thc5IRytUampc5_oZkQPxVqPJ5kgIA6N0OY9N3taTfkjCyiBYc2dRlY_i8lazWMfiibGfgrEVljJ20xPuB/s640/IMG_1729.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>VII </b></span></div>
<b>It's been a little quiet around the blog and <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ablogaboutmiscarriage" target="_blank">facebook page</a>. </b>Not on purpose, but I haven't had much to say. All is going well and the further along I get, the more it feels like a "normal" pregnancy. My midwife appointments are every other week now and I'm starting to think about the labor and birth. I still have a very hard time envisioning an actual baby in a few months time, but that doesn't seem to be out of the ordinary for any pregnant woman, regardless of whether she's had past losses or not. A new human being added to this world, to our family is a really hard concept to grasp.<br />
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<i>And...it's pretty amazing that I was able to come up with seven things to talk about so let's join <a href="http://thisaintthelyceum.org/" target="_blank">Kelly</a>, shall we?</i></div>
Mandi Richardshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14641577291206420549noreply@blogger.com2